With Depression – 7 Reasons Average is Electrifying

You know your life has changed when average is thrilling.

Going five days in a row being average is breathtaking. It has been several years since this has happened. Lately, I have been waking up and then getting up. The internal fight I would have with myself is gone. All the drama I would create around getting out of bed has disappeared.

What is left is ME.

I wish I could take all the credit for this transformation. The Oscar goes to my Peer Advocate, and my new Psychiatric team. Together, they thought outside of my limited box and entertained a wide variety of options. Together, we brainstormed these and arrived at a consensus.

READ: What is depression and why do I have it?

From there, I took the new medicine as prescribed.

As I enter my seventh week, more and more days are average. And I cannot be more pleased. I have seen the abyss. I have circled the drain many times in the past 43 years. And I have been in the abyss. Each time, the depths are deeper, steeper, and murkier. There is no light and the way forward is impossible to determine.

Gloom, despair, and agony on me. (Thanks Hee Haw)

Average is such a relief after being up against the wall. And I am not saying I was being close, or near or at the wall. I am talking about slam up against it, where the wall and I become one. And seeing any way forward is impossible. In those moments, I felt there were only two choices. End it or figure a way out so I could hide what was left and get back to acting normal.

For over 43 years, I hid depression and did not recognize that I had a third choice.

READ: Those Thoughts – Are They My Suicidal Ideation?

Seeking professional medical advice about these episodes of drain circling and abyss visiting, hadnt been on my radar. But I will say that at times, I looked for other alternatives. I self-medicated with pot 40 years ago. But soon after getting married, babies took the place of pot.

Eight or so years ago, I began taking over the counter SAM-E.

This helped my mood, but my out of pocket was over $30 a month. Now that seems very inexpensive compared to the financial and emotional costs of being in the hospital. Eventually, I even went through my medical plan and was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac. My co-pay was $3 a month, one tenth of what I was investing in my self-created program.

Getting back to today, depression has not been happy about my progress.

Depression always want me to be unstable, unbalanced, and secretive. And yet, for five days in a row, depression has not been able to inject unhelpful thinking into my head. The insert switch has been turned off and depression cannot find a reset button. I know depression is angry and is working behind the scenes to develop a better plan to get me back to the dark side. (sorry about the quotes!)

Here are my seven reasons why Average is Electrifying:

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Now I recognize that I must remain vigilant.

I am still pushing the rock up the hill every day. The tools I have learned are making my daily life better, but there is still much to learn. And without sounding mushy, there will be a time to sow and a time to reap. I get that.

But today, I celebrate five days of average, five days of living a balanced life with depression.

My concealed depression is written under the alias Depression is not my boss. I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.

I very much appreciate your comments.

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