Description
Join me as I complete my book centered around my relationship with depression. By supporting my work monthly, you will not only have complete access to my rough draft, but a chance to give input into both what and how I cover my relationship with depression.
As a monthly supporter (12-month duration), you will receive a FREE autographed copy of the finished book (you only pay $9.97 for shipping and handling)
This is not a book about the depths of my depression, the suicidal thoughts, and all the sad, woe-is-me baggage that accompanies many books about depression. Not that those books are not important. And please be aware that there may be triggers for some. Yet, my goal is to talk about my personal experience with depression in a way that people will engage with it and hopefully learn from it.
Scaring the heck out of people is not my goal.
Increasing awareness of the depths of mental illness and how it affects many of those close to us is where I am headed. I am also afraid of how stigma still plays a role in our communal attitudes towards depression specifically and all mental illnesses in general.
Certainly not addressing my depression for so long was partly me being afraid of what “they would say.”
I am still petrified that people will change their perceptions of me once they know I have depression. My relationship with stigma is dripping with examples of people being less than understanding about someone and what they are going through.
While you may find me pouring out my soul in certain instances, this is not intended to be a sad book.
It is easy for me to say, I should a, would a, could a, and then blame depression for where I am at today. I could and still do time travel. I wasted hours in the past, wallowing in self-pity about what I did. And then there are the hours when I time-travel into the future, creating elaborate scenarios about my relationships with success and/or failure.
I am a master fortune teller, weaving together stories in my head about a situation, where I then create an outcome, without ever talking to anyone involved. The answer is clear to me, and I can move on, confident that I have the correct answer about what is going to happen. After all, my depression was (and still is) right there to tell me what it wants me to know.
And let’s not even start with keeping secrets.
My depression is happiest when I tell no one. Depression says it knows better than anyone what is best for me and speaking about any action I want to take with someone other than depression, will make depression mad. My depression is surely angered because I am writing this book about it and its relationship to me.
My story is just that, my story.
In my 603+ blog posts, since I was released from 5 East almost five years ago, I have attempted to be completely honest about what I am feeling now. Yes, I was writing a public blog, but who was reading it? No one I knew personally. I have taken steps to reduce the opportunities for people to identify my blog with me as a person.
I was surprised when a manager I had worked with years ago contacted me via Facebook messaging. He had connected the dots and was sure it was me who was writing the blog. It took a while to accept that someone knew who I was and that I had major depressive disorder with suicidal ideation. But, in the end, I acknowledged my authorship to him and learned about his life since I last saw him. And he was supportive and shared stories of his own.
So, this book and my “coming out” about my depression is a logical next step.
My relationship with depression will suffer, but I am focused on that change being positive. I have discovered so many tools I can use to understand my depression better. Some resources were there all the time that I never knew about. And there are people in my corner, that I am sure will still be in my corner when I come clean and share my depression openly.
Those who have had the strength to share their mental health stories inspire me.
In today’s somewhat post-COVID environment, isolated people need ways to see they are not alone. Alone is where my depression has tried its best to keep me. At times, it has been successful. Alone, my life is filled with higher highs and lower lows. Depression is skilled at giving me ways to let success seem unfulfilling. And then it shows me what it pitches as a better idea. Soon this goes from being depression’s idea to being my idea.
From there it’s just a matter of time until depression has me circling the drain.
This is where I end up against the wall. I find I am celebrating just getting out of bed. Each day there is no hope and everything is the same. Eventually, things abate and I begin the journey back to hope and action. Once I finally see the light, I also see that my depression is not around to pay the bill. It seems my depression is never around to help pay the bill.
My depression, today, is mostly nowhere to be found. Mostly nowhere, that is, until the next time.
So this is where I am starting from. It has been 4 years since my four days at 5 East. I am still working on some of the same issues I was working on in the hospital. The difference is today I at least understand what is happening when I do it. Before, all I was doing was hoping and wishing it would just go away. I am proud when I discover myself using some form of unhelpful thinking and then doing something about it. And I have all of those coping statements that help me stay focused on the moment.
This is my story as I strive to live a balanced life with my depression.
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Join me as I complete my book centered around my relationship with depression. By supporting my work with a donation, you will not only have complete access to my rough draft, but a chance to give input into both what and how I cover my relationship with depression.
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