I wish I could sleep

I got out of the hospital Saturday morning at 11:30 AM. Does that make this day 3 or day 4? Not sure. But what I do know was that yesterday was tough. And last night, I just couldn’t fall asleep. In the hospital, I started taking Melatonin to help me fall asleep. It worked a little the first few days, but last night, nothing.

Yesterday I started trying to do normal, everyday things like making a pot of coffee and filling the dishwasher. In between these, I worked on my depression.

 I made calls to set up a therapist to speak with but haven’t heard back. I went to Costco and picked up my prescription for Prozac.

The Psychiatrist I had picked out from the Psychology Today website was right around the corner. When I went to the office, the door was locked and the lights off. I called the number and ended up speaking with a sales woman in North Carolina who said the doctor had left the practice. But…

If I wasn’t looking for Oxycodone, she could set up a virtual phone call with one of their doctors and they would fill the prescription. I told her I needed to do more research and hung up. I may be old fashioned, but I was expecting to sit in the same room with the Doctor.

Online, I did find several practices that do doctor meetings via Skype. For medication management, I can see where it can streamline the process for the practice and be much more lucrative than staffing walk in offices. It also seems a little like a scam or at least a sketchy practice. I am back to the search this morning.

Finding a doctor or a therapist is hard work. When you are already struggling with depression, I can see how it could be too much to do. I am pushing forward because of the support of family. Not everyone has that or other types of support. Those that seek help alone are stronger than I am. They should be proud of themselves.

Yesterday, in the afternoon, I went to our local county landfill. For the first time in the three years we have lived here, the county was offering free mulch. I have a garden cart that my son helped me build on top of a boat trailer. It is the size of a sheet of plywood and has sides that are two feet tall. I had brought a shovel and was loading the mulch by hand when an employee came over with a small front-end loader. Two scoops and my trailer was full.

Getting back to my depression, I will get on the phone today at 9 AM and reach out again to therapists and a doctor. My strategy of calling, waiting, and hoping I get a call back is not setting high expectations for success. That was why I went to the doctor, in person. Keeping the process going is hard enough when things work. Not getting calls back is stressful.

Tomorrow, I will report on today’s progress. Until then, I will keep saying “I have depression, depression doesn’t have me,” and “depression is not my boss.”