It’s 87 degrees right now in Virginia and my depression is nowhere to be seen.
I suppose I should be thankful. Both the current temperature, and my depression are not as wild as they could be. Tomorrow it is forecasted to be in the 90’s. I cannot tell you where my depression will be. But thinking back to previous summers, my depression may be on holiday.
My best clue about what’s happening is I am getting more sunlight.
Thinking back to last winter, I set a SAD lamp up on my desk. Subjecting myself to 30 minutes of “fake” sun kept me from going deeper into depression. I wish I could say it was just the shorter daylight hours that caused my depression. For years, I managed without incident the change in the seasons.
But now I know that I have major depressive disorder, with suicidal ideation.
And winters are more challenging for me than they used to be. The very fact that I am thinking about seasonal depression is very much proof that I have it. Getting past my first summer was not easy, heat or no heat. I was learning every day how my depression plays tricks on me. And even right now, I know on some level that my depression is still there.
Just because I am not circling the drain, doesn’t mean that my depression is “cured.”
In fact, my depression will be with me until my last breath. Depression is a family tradition. I can count 5 relatives who had or have depression. I say had because all, but two relations are dead. And all but one did not die from suicide. In hindsight, it is easier to see the crumbs he left, even though it was almost 70 years ago. Before he took his life, he went on a farewell tour. He put his affairs in order, even returning library his books.
Still, no one saw what was coming.
His depression caused him to become secretive. By adopting depression’s plan, he eventually stopped confiding in everyone, with the exception of depression. I know from experience that the more I buy into depression’s ideas, the less likely I am to talk about my plans with anyone. This type of unhelpful thinking is just one of ten unhelpful ideas that my depression uses to keep me secretive.
Did I mention that there was snow on the ground when he took his life?
Not that it proves why my depression often takes a break in the hottest months. Afterall, it was April when I spent 4 days in 5 East. And that summer was filled with discovery and learning as much as I could about my depression. So, while summers in general have been slow for depression, this doesn’t mean I will not experience a major depressive episode during the summer months.
Summer days are long, and they are hot.
But even as we prepare for the 90’s tomorrow, stretches of the country are posting 110 degrees and higher. This combined with record rains is putting millions of people in the dark. Without power, and no air conditioners running, tensions often rise. Record heat brings out something other than people’s best. Even as we get to 90 in Virginia, people are showing their true colors.
And these colors are often Sh&%#y in nature, and are not pastels or other cool, unassuming colors.
Checking the calendar, I can see that it is a week or so from the official start of summer. People may just be warming up. While I expect the best of people, I am braced for the worst. Record heat combined with people’s attitudes, may be what this summer is destined to be.
My heart goes out to those who are experiencing record hot temperatures.
I believe those who live in record temperature states are in for much hoopla from others. On top of all this, we have recently entered the official hurricane season in the Atlantic. People in many southern hurricane prone areas could potentially get a category 3 or 4 storm, after the current heat wave subsides.
With heat, rain, or a hurricane, I am looking for a quick summer.
I can always add another layer, but I can only take so much off. That’s probably another reason my depression has deserted me. My depression must feel the same way about the heat. And getting to the heart of the matter, depression is not on anyone’s timeline. It can come and go as it pleases.
