I Was Fooling Myself and I Didn’t Know (Didn’t Care)

Photo by abigail low on Unsplash

In my mind, my depression was off for the summer.

It had flown south, and was on a beach somewhere in the tropics, sipping a rum and coke and contemplating the waves. Spending time with me was going to wait until cooler weather set in. Until then, my depression and I had parted company. I was finally free to be depression free. Or so I thought.

After 5 years facing my depression, I should have known better.

Here I am surprised that my depression has not completely gone on holiday. Parts of it are still around, ready to jump into my life at a moment’s notice. Unhelpful thinking is just a stone’s throw away. And with my familial relationship with my depression, I should know I am never 100% off the hook.

After my 4 days in 5 East, I have been very careful to keep my depression out in the open.

I know that if I don’t, all heck can break loose. And before I know it, I am circling the drain, and staring at the abyss. For just over 5 years, I have kept that from happening. And yet, somehow, I think that this summer is going to be different. Somehow, I have it in my head that I didn’t need to watch out for depression this summer.

In my heart, I know that this is not true.

As soon as I begin to take my depression for granted, my depression will jump into the void. And when that happens, getting back to a balanced life with my depression gets harder. Twice I have pulled out my WRAP plan. This helpful tool can alert me to what it looks like when I start to slide into a depressive state.

More importantly, it gives me actionable ideas to prevent my falling further into the abyss.

I learned this technique from On Our Own in Charlottesville, VA. As I looked online for help with my depression, I was lucky to find them. And their staff has been an inspiration to me for over 5 years. I still have my WRAP plan on a clipboard next to the desk in my home office. It is a constant reminder that I have peer advocates and a written plan. Knowing this has helped me understand that I have some control over my depression.

Well, what I really have is control over my thoughts about my depression.

And that has made all the difference in my relationship with my depression. When I forget that I can control my thoughts, my depression worsens. But when I am thinking clearly, I know that while I cannot control events, I can always control my attitude towards them.

I must always remember that my attitude towards events is the only thing I have control over.

But that one thing is everything. And it can keep me strong no matter what my depression throws my way. Intuitively, I always knew that it was my attitude towards events that made the difference. When I start forgetting that things start to go south. When the question of my attitude comes up, I am reminded of a famous quote:

Whether you think you can, or think you cannot, you are right.

Henry Ford

Henry Ford really had something there.

I was in a Tia Chi class many years ago. The instructor had each of us stand in front of him and he pushed us. Of course, we feel backwards. Some more than others, but all of us could not stop the instructor. Then he had us envision being rooted in the ground. We were to imagine strong, deep roots anchoring us in place.

When the instructor pushed us again, no one was moved, not even me.

That simple lesson drove home for me how important one’s attitude is to one’s success. Since my time in 5 East, I have been conscious of what I am thinking. I try to understand what my thoughts say about my attitude. The more aligned my attitude is to what I am doing, the better the outcome.

So, my idea was to not have to think about my depression for the summer.

But in my mind, I knew that depression was still there. And telling myself that it was on holiday was not making it so. Adjusting my thinking to include small depression makes it easier for me to not have big depression. I think I know what I mean.

I am not fooling myself, and I can see where my depression is whenever I look for it.