Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash
But here I am once again just going along.
Nothing too happy, nothing too sad, I am just going along. It doesn’t seem to make sense. I mean it seems like things should be more positive than when I see them. And maybe things are better, and I just haven’t caught up.
I am taking 450 mg of Wellbutrin every morning.
Nothing has changed in the past few months to change that dosage. I will be seeing a new psychiatrist next month. My designated doctor has finished her two-year internship and is moving out west to start her own practice. As a teaching hospital, I get a new psychiatrist every year.
This past year, I got a do over and was assigned the same doctor for a second year.
I am sure that she had something to do with that. And I appreciate her open minded-ness and willingness to hear whatever I was thinking. She seemed genuinely interested in me and my wellness. Going to see her was always the bright spot of my week.
And now I will be breaking in a new psychiatrist.
I have written before about my consternation around starting once again with a new doctor. It has always worked out fine, but I am anxious just the same. I always have a fallback plan that allows me to select a different intern. There is ahead psychiatrist who oversees all of the interns. I do have access to her and can always have a say in whom I work with for the year.
So that is settled, and I feel that I should be doing a little better than just OK.
Not that I would trade ok with not being at all. I am definitely in the “I want to live to see 100” camp. Even today, I am incredibly competitive. There are still many things on my bucket list. Did I mention that I came across a sheet I had written in 2005? AT the top of my to-do list was to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa.
I added summiting Kili to my bucket list in 2005.
It was 2023 when we reached 19,341 feet above sea level and took pictures at Uhuru peak. The time was 11:17 AM, which seemed to be of the utmost importance to the Tanzanian government. All 3 summiteers, myself, my son, and a family friend, each received official documents certifying our climb and ultimate summiting.
Since then, I have been to Peru and trekked for 7 days, ending up in Machu Pichu.
This fall will be 4 days of trekking in the Grand Canyon (in the USA). Next year, the focus will be on Mount Everest. Ok, so it is just a 9-day trek to Everest base camp at a bit over 18,000 feet. But it is still Nepal, and still involves flying ½ way around the world. This leaves a lot of time to train.
I have been putting off my physical training until something…
It is clear that I do not know what that something is. Worse, whatever it is will always be starting tomorrow. Every night, as I get ready for bed in front of the mirror, I vow to start my weight training and weight loss program the next day. And the next day ends up just like today did.
I use the excuse that I walk 12,000 to 17,000 steps each day I am at work.
And this was enough to get me up Kilimanjaro. But I was also lifting weights at the gym, stair climbing, and weighed 12 pounds less. I am also using the excuse that I am not as young as I once was and that it is harder to lose weight as you age.
Suddenly, it sounds like my depression has joined in with an unhelpful thinking idea.
And I am allowing this to shade my view of what is possible. Maybe it is not the doing, it is my attitude towards the doing which is creating this disconnect. And maybe, if I had a better attitude, I could go from ok to happy. Or at least balanced, which is not where I am today.
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