Why do I feel as if I am the only person sitting in the audience?
Things that gave me joy are happening and I am not joining in. Making a call to my 94-year-old Mother is hard. There was a time when I would check in every night on my way home from work. Now I use the fact that she is in an Assisted Living community to justify putting off making a call.
Mom doesn’t have an actual phone, which complicates things for me.
Our family uses ViewClix to reach Mom. My brother set this up. It really is a wonderful tool. We just dial in on the app, and Mom can see and hear us on the laptop set on a shelf in her room. She doesn’t need to answer anything by fumbling with a phone, or the TV remote that disguises itself as a phone sometimes. If she is in her room, we are connected.
My depression makes the Viewclix interface a deterrent.
This marvelous form of communication with Mom becomes a reason to put off the call. Why am I allowing this to happen? Many times, I plan to call at a certain time, but the time slips by. Then I know she will be going to dinner, or her shows are on. This allows me to think, “well I tried, but I don’t want to interrupt.”
What a self-centered, selfish way to live.
This has been going on for many months, but recently, I am seeing how it is impacting my life with family and friends. Interfacing with family used to be fun. It still would be if I could do it. What is making me feel that this is such a monumental undertaking?.
My thoughts, my attitude towards things, is out of control.
I am no longer making decisions about certain things. I am deferring to depression’s view of what I should do. This is creating a rift between the life I desire to live, and the life I am living. Staying in touch with the family has been important to me. Yet, I am making minimal efforts to connect with even my siblings. This shift in my focus is maddening.
Why am I not choosing to think differently?
What makes me think that I need to justify actions that are not in keeping with my underlying beliefs? I am enormously proud about being able to make my own decisions about events. Or I used to be. Now I am in my body, but I am not even close to being in control.
This coming week, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss my recent change in medication.
Once again, I am back to struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Having been through this before, I know it is a reaction to Prozac. In fact, the events surrounding fixing my getting out of bed led me to my current psychiatrist.
I have every confidence that she will dive into my medicine and explore new options.
But what about the bigger picture? Am I strong enough to say, “I will not make that excuse anymore?” Can I change my attitude towards reaching out to family, to Mom? I am only mildly changing my attitude about what and when I eat. These five or so vanity pounds have me on a roller coaster of all or nothing. I shouldn’t eat, but I do, I should eat but I don’t. What a mess.
So, what makes me think I can control something more important?
To feel in control, I know I must change my attitude towards my relationships with family. I can start with something as simple as a daily or weekly checklist. This way, I will have a visible reminder of what I want to do. Checking off the list will give me positive endorphins. This will reinforce my completing additional things on the list.
I can start by deciding how often I want to call Mom.
Then I will add this to the list. From there, I can address time with my siblings. And this will help me keep my thoughts focused more on what I really think is important.
Of course, now I am considering my own self-care.
What do I need to operate in the way I want? Is a list self-care? Can I find time for myself in a list? The last time I had a day off, I made a list. In addition to staining the deck and doing laundry, I did list self-care time as a priority. While I am not sure how I used that time, I do know just having it on the list gave me a sense of peace.
Before I start the rest of my day, I will sketch out the first draft of a day, weekly, and monthly checklist for myself.
By writing down the important things I want to do, it will be easier to be reminded of them. Having this checklist will, I hope, reinforce the important items I want to do daily, weekly, etc.