My Concealed Depression

My thoughts on my lifetime of Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.

unhealthy thinking styles

Where Did The Hummingbirds Go?

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OK, I get it. Time does not standstill. Things change, the seasons change, and with it our lives. Some days we are on our game; then we have a day where things are just not clicking. Some days we hit one out of the park, and then we strike out three times in a row. This is life. Whether or not we have a diagnosed illness, these things happen. Our days are not perfect … [Read more...] about Where Did The Hummingbirds Go?

Why is it so much harder when you have choices?

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With concealed depression, everything was about work. It was a place to run to, to be distracted from the prospect of having to live in the present moment. Work, in its various forms, has been a place for me to hide. A place to confirm in my head that I have value. It’s my comfort zone. Then depression and I agreed I would retire … [Read more...] about Why is it so much harder when you have choices?

I stand up for what’s important to me

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Depression makes me want to sit down, lie down, curl up in a ball. It doesn’t like it when I stand up, let alone stand up for what’s important to me. Depression would prefer I ignore anything that doesn’t directly involve paying attention to its unhelpful thinking. It is most comfortable when it has me time traveling. I can easily be in the future or the past. There is … [Read more...] about I stand up for what’s important to me

Is this a new trigger signaling a relapse or am I just messy?

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I have never seen it so cluttered. A pile here, a stack there, each item placed in its final resting place with intention. This is not the work of a vandal “tossing the place looking for anything of value,†this is the work of someone with a plan. A plan with the best of intentions, but with no deadline or action component built into the … [Read more...] about Is this a new trigger signaling a relapse or am I just messy?

Reminding myself I can control my attitude towards each day

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Lately, I’ve been feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Now I understand everyone feels that way sometimes. It is a fact of life that things will pile up, then things will clear. One day we are almost frantic to get things done and the next we are trolling through Pinterest on our phone looking for a recipe for a crock pot breakfast. Why? … [Read more...] about Reminding myself I can control my attitude towards each day