Why I Struggle With Self-Care

Photo by Sydney Rae on Unsplash

Do you struggle to be kind to yourself, to provide support and self-care?

Do you feel frustrated when you can’t take a moment for self-care, even when you pick the time and place?

You make excuses for yourself and say I’ll relax later. Self-care needs to wait while I attend to my life.

It feels like you have lost control and cannot escape the cycle. You promise self-care to yourself, but you are too busy. So, you feel ashamed that you are not better at time management.

And I know you’ve tried to fix it.

Here’s what most people do when they think about doing self-care:

• 1. Many say, “I’ll have plenty of time once I finish this project outlook.” So, mowing the grass, making dinner, binge-watching a series on Netflix, or ignoring the internal calls for self-care becomes more important.
• 2. Some people go too far and spend all of their free time engaging in self-care. I can’t think of many people who do this, but those who do stand out and are hard to work with because they are rarely there.
• 3. They make up something they think counts as self-care. But they are not sure of themselves and so get frustrated because it doesn’t work out

But the result? It gets worse.

• 1. First, there is guilt for not doing self-care or not doing what you think is enough of it
• 2. Then I blame myself for not doing a better job of self-care
• 3. This finally leads to me turning this into a feeling of shame. I am ashamed of myself for not taking better care of myself

How do I know? Because I used to be like that.

I wanted to kick these problems out of my life.

I love having the energy to do anything I put my mind to, but I can’t survive if I constantly blame myself for not being kind to myself.

So, I decided to reverse-engineer my thinking:

What would happen if I put on my own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs?

Now, I’ve found the solution.

Most advice doesn’t work because it is too vague, doesn’t address your unique problem, and often wants you to snap out of it. Many people think that depression and mental illness are a switch, and by flipping it, your symptoms magically disappear.

So, here’s my best advice:

• 1. Stop doing everything momentarily and write down your ideas about self-care. My self-care includes working in the yard. It’s not a candle and bubble bath scenario, but it works for me. So, only list things that make you feel good.
• 2. Look at every situation with an eye towards what it might cost you. And by that, you must include emotional and physical, as well as monetary costs.
• 3. Don’t get frustrated if your idea doesn’t work out as well or as quickly as you thought. Even five years after being in 5 East, I still learn about self-care.

Friendly reminder: I often remind myself, “Life is what happens to you while making other plans.”

And why is my advice better? I have been to the depths of the abyss. I know what being pressed tightly against the wall feels like. Circling the drain, I know what neglecting self-care can do because it has happened to me over and over for years and years.

Do you hate feeling too busy to take time for yourself?

And do you hate the guilt this causes as you look at list after list you have created, none of which includes self-care?

Do you hate feeling shame because you can’t do something that seems so simple, such as taking care of yourself?

Nope.

What you truly want is:

• 1. Do not feel guilty for taking a few minutes several times a day to focus on what you need.
• 2. To see self-care prominently on every to-do list you create.
• 3. To develop a system that rewards you for taking care of yourself first, the end result being you have even more energy, and any list you create looks small and easily doable.

So, as my therapist keeps reminding me each time I see her, “Relax and don’t be so hard on yourself.” For me, putting on my oxygen mask first has been an acquired taste. It has taken me almost five years to get comfortable with myself and my needs.

I am still working on this, but I know I am progressing. Even when I fall short, I can see that something is happening that I can control. In the past, I just sucked it up and moved to the next project.

And that’s the key: knowing that while you cannot always control events, you can always control your attitude towards whatever is happening. Self-care helps me be in control of my attitude.

Respecting myself and feeling that I deserve to get the best self-care is part of growing up. I wish I had realized that earlier in my life.