I just thought I was overly busy.
But then, I noticed that each day was clipping along, and I was becoming a spectator. No longer was I seizing the moment, setting aside time for me, or even thinking about tomorrow. Events were driving me. Then I spoke with my therapist.
“If you don’t put your own oxygen mask on first, how can you help others?â€
Once again, he saw that then he talked about it, and this immediately put things in perspective. And I needed that shift. My thoughts were beginning to turn to the dark side, and I was becoming very stern with myself for not doing even more.
While this was going on, I can picture depression on the side lines grinning with pleasure.
Letting myself become incredibly busy was my go-to move for over 40 years. It is harder to hit a moving target. I blamed my quickness on heredity, that I was still exhibiting caveman strategies to keep safe. No one specifically told me the rules had changed.
And once again, I had the answer in my pocket the entire time.
My daily routine, my daily self-care was gone. And I had no one to blame but myself. I know for a fact that I cannot control events. But I can certainly control my attitude towards them. I was turning over my right to choose to anyone who wanted to use me. And by doing so, I made depression smile.
Isolation is a tool depression finds effective on me.
It has taught me that no one understands me as it does. Depression makes sure that I see things in such a way that sharing with others is bad. Being secretive is, in depression’s mind, a very good thing. And as an unhelpful thinking style, depression found that secrecy works on me.
Sadly, I cannot write this in the past tense.
Depression is still floating trial balloons just to see if it can get anything to stick. There is not a day that goes by where depression is not crafting a plan to spring on me. And when I am Hangry, depression sees an opening. And recently, going full steam ahead and neglecting myself and self-care, I set myself up for depression to waltz in and go to work on myself.
Thankfully, I have a therapist, peer support, a psychiatrist, and many tools to understand when depression is starting to set up house.
For the past 36 hours, I have reinstated my daily routine and have given myself permission to include self-care in my daily routine. And even more exciting, this has put me much more in the moment with my loved ones. Depression would say I am sleeping with the enemy, but I say depression is wrong.
I love my wife and family and am angry that depression would encourage me to turn them into the bad guys.
So, self-care is back and once again I am “living a balanced life with depression.â€
