• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact

“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

End Child Anxiety
You are here: Home / Featured Home / “Does it even matter?” Hey, that’s the depression talking.

“Does it even matter?” Hey, that’s the depression talking.

June 20, 2019 by Depression Is Not My Boss 1 Comment

I’m all over the board today. Thinking about, obsessing about, how I will spend my days has really set off a chain of thoughts in my mind. And some realizations.

The Prozac must be working as intended.

I have not had any suicidal thoughts in days. Not that I have ever acted upon them. Suicidal ideation is the clinical term they used when I was in the hospital.  I am told one of the side effects of Prozac is possible suicidal thoughts. But I am taking the drug to rid myself of those same thoughts. Go figure.

My early days on Prozac are the topic of this blog post titled “Doing the Drugs.”

I’m still having trouble staying asleep, but it is possible that problem is turning the corner as well. I have replaced I-pad screen time with a paper crossword puzzle at bedtime. For a week, I have consistently taken Melatonin 20 minutes before bedtime. I am still waking up at night, but not as often, and I fall back asleep easier now.

Getting stronger, it should be a time of celebration.

Yet here I am, in the same breath, saying to myself “what’s the point if I do not have a purpose anymore.” I am being told to have patience. “Ok, so I’m patient already. Let’s go now.” My beagle reminds me that eight weeks is a lot longer in dog years.

Being a rescue dog, we learned she had a lot of trauma before we adopted her. So I am glad she is able to be a pet now. I am happy she is able to have a comfortable life. I like to watch her warming herself in the sun. No cares, just appreciating the day. Yet she appreciates it and relishes it, while for some reason I am fighting it.

Is it wrong to think that I am ready for more?

I know there are people who would love to wake up and not have anything specific to do. No structure, no overarching theme or plan. Just the day as it presents itself. I know people who love that. Turn the TV on, maybe go for a walk if it’s not too hot. Eat a little something now and then and not have to worry about anything.

For me, I don’t think it’s unhealthy to want to do things, to want to contribute to something, to want to feel like what I am doing means something. Why would it be unhelpful to think that way?

 “Does it even matter?”

As I examine this thought using my tools, I can challenge it and see if it is true. I can ask better questions and talk to others to get a different perspective. If I only listen to depression, there is no chance to see that there are things I could be doing. When I ask better questions and challenge my all or nothing and minimizing thinking, I get to see there are more options.

You can imagine how freeing this is and how mad it makes the depression.

Until now, depression has kept this limiting belief alive in my head. It has made me feel sorry for myself. You can imagine how shocked I was to see there are other ways of looking at how I will spend my day.

“Does it even matter” is only one way to think about what my days will look like.

And this one way is very limiting. Yet I had promoted that to myself as the one true way, the only way to look at my situation, and depression applauded my work. To acknowledge that there are other ways to view the situation is freeing.

It turns out I could make a list of things that I have been wanting to do.

My list could include some of the day to day activities that depression and I have deemed off limits. And then there is my work-related list of things that would help move my business forward.

Just knowing that I can do this is a big step.

I keep finding ways that depression is intercepting my ideas and twisting them so I can only see one way to move forward. Each time I think I have turned the corner; I find another one of depressions notions has infected my thinking.

You probably already know I must stay vigilant.

Even as I begin my list and feel proud that I have recognized another unhelpful thinking style, I am aware that depression is lurking somewhere nearby, planning its next assault on my mental health.

I could spend time bemoaning this fact and spiral out of control wallowing in self-pity. Or I could act and use my tools to catch depression before I comply with its impulsive, destructive philosophies.

Even though I was telling myself I wasn’t doing that, when I finally went to the hospital, I was fully immersed in my depression, including a twinge of self-pity.

I am not going back to that.

Labeling was the one unhelpful thinking style I thought I had not used, even though depression made it very tempting. But I see I am labeling myself as “stuck” if I only see “does it even matter” as to how I will spend my days. What a limiting way to view the world.

Depression has stolen many things from me in the past.

Not facing it over the past 40 years has only encouraged it to dig even deeper into me, planting seeds of future calamity and impulsive behaviors. This idea that I do not have anything to look forward to each day, that every day will be the same, is the depression talking. (Click on the link to read what I wrote earlier about that)

You know that my support groups have told me to slow down. Are they correct? Is that what I need? Am I still pushing the limits instead of appreciating the chance to think about my future?

“Does it even matter” is depression’s single-minded way of getting me to look at my future.

Knowing that I can use the tools to challenge this idea, I have already made a list of 17 things I can do. 17 ways I can take advantage of this opportunity I have been given. Not everyone gets a gift like this. As I fashion my future, I am almost getting a “do-over, a mulligan.” Just saying that to myself and writing it down really makes depression mad.

Depression wants secrets, impulsiveness, and up against the wall thinking.

Challenging those unhelpful ideas is not what I have done in the past. But now, it is the only thing I will do. Coming up for air after being underwater in depression’s depths, I can see other options as clear as day. I am grateful for the tools I have been given to finally confront depression.

So, there are tons of things I can do instead of thinking I am stuck wondering “does it even matter?” Even as I write this, several other things have popped into my head to add to my lists. “How cool is that?”

I’d better get up early tomorrow so I can fit it all in.

If you enjoyed this post don’t forget to like, follow, share and comment!

Filed Under: Featured Home, Self Care, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: depression, life, lifestyle, prozac, unhelpful thinking styles, worries, worry

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

https://myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4

Get my latest posts, (your email is never sold or rented)

I developed a 38 Page Mental Health Tools Flipbook. Complete the Form and Get Your Free Copy Now.

Privacy Policy

Discover Self-Care, Coping Strategies, Understand Anxiety, Track your Triggers, Mood, and Sleep; Recap Therapy Sessions, and more.

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Depression has me catastrophizing instead of celebrating my CPAP results

My Depression Has Me Catastrophizing Instead of Fixing My Sleep Problem

March 19, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Flomax or Wellbutrin, or Prozac have helped and also made it harder to get out of bed with a CPAP machine and depression

Why Am I Having Trouble Getting Out of Bed Again?

March 17, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Mosaic 250x250
Blog Meets Brand
Your Page Title
Best Self Improvement & Personal Development Blogs - OnToplist.com
RSS Search
sitepromotiondirectory.com latest-links

Blog posts that go back to my 5 East time almost 4 years ago

  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • I’m Gaining Weight – Can I Blame My Depression?
  • My Depression Has Me Catastrophizing Instead of Fixing My Sleep Problem
  • Why Am I Having Trouble Getting Out of Bed Again?
  • I Feel That I Am Missing Something Important
  • Why Must My Depression Decide What I Really Want or Need?

Search

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma