I’ve had four or five days of positiveness.
I’m not sure that is a word, but it’s how I have been feeling. Even yesterday, at work, I had the feeling that everything was going to work out. What I am thinking is that I will be able to realize my plans, and live a balanced life with my depression.
The four weeks leading up to our trip to Peru did not feel like that.
In fact, I wasn’t feeling much of anything. It wasn’t bad or good, I was just there, doing what needed to be done. Before Kilimanjaro, I was all over the internet, watching YouTube videos about the different routes and what to pack. I had ordered a map of the mountain and several books.
Someone found a weather station that gave the weather for each of the five zones on Kilimanjaro.
I did look at the actual weather for last year near Cusco and Machu Picchu. It showed zero rainfall. And while that was mostly true for our trek, we did have a couple of hours of rain the first afternoon. And two evenings, after we arrived at camp, we had rain. But both times, by morning, the sky was clear and the days were like picture postcards.
So why wasn’t I able to be excited about the trip?
I’m taking the same medications today as I was a month ago. And the Remeron is still making it hard for me to get out of bed and begin the day. I do have a medication management appointment next Tuesday and I will bring up this side effect. I’m wondering this morning if I still need the extra boost, I’ve been getting from the 30mg of Remeron.
As I sit here, I am wondering if I am getting a boost from Remeron.
Two years ago, I got out the “daylight” light and sat in front of it for upwards of 30 minutes each morning. This seemed to help me be more balanced and not so SAD. Last year, as we got closer to heading to Africa, I did not need the light.
I am thinking that this winter, I will need to pull it out.
With a week of feeling good behind me, I am wondering if it will continue. Can I stay focused on my self-care? Is it possible to go another week feeling, ok? And can I add additional weeks beyond that? Before my latest round of depression, I had gone many years with my depression seemingly on vacation. Or at least it was keeping a low profile.
This thinking reminds me that I cannot control events, but I can control my attitude towards them.
Knowing that I can control my attitude should be the most important part of what I am thinking. After all, if I can see myself being in control of my daily activities, I can then accomplish them. Or at least accomplish more of them than if I gave in to the unhelpful thinking that my depression is famous for. My depression loves to toss out all-or-nothing scenarios and count on me to buy into them and run screaming to the exit.
My depression forgets that I have been watching it and have learned about the tools it so flippantly uses to keep me under its spell.
Staying focused beyond last week is now my goal. And keeping my depression in line so that I can achieve my focus, is how I can achieve my goal. This means I must be vigilant and watchful when my depression begins its antics. And I want to do this without becoming so anxious, that I can only focus on not being depressed.