My Concealed Depression

My thoughts on my lifetime of Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.

Change Triangle

My Depression is Waiting for Me to Say, “I Give Up”

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Photo by Hasnain Babar on Unsplash My depression can only push me so far or it will lose its host. After all, if I die, then depression dies too. So it is in depression’s best interest to keep me alive and kicking. Even when it has me in the abyss, its focus is on keeping me up against that wall. If I cannot feel anything or envision any way forward, depression is … [Read more...] about My Depression is Waiting for Me to Say, “I Give Up”

Will Depression Return if I Retire Again?

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Depression helped me retire the first time, making a cluster of the entire experience. My depression convinced me to scrap over 40 years of planning and jump into retirement with only a sketchy idea of what I was going to do. Now the upside was I finally had off on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. We flew north for an entire week around Thanksgiving. But the nuts … [Read more...] about Will Depression Return if I Retire Again?

Depressed? Why I Hadn’t Considered Myself as Having Depression

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Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash I have been depressed, with high-functioning (concealed) depression for over 50 years. It wasn’t until I spent 4 days in 5 East that I faced my depression. Until then, I had gotten through each episode and never looked back. There was no critique, no sense that I should do something different. It was over so let’s just move on and … [Read more...] about Depressed? Why I Hadn’t Considered Myself as Having Depression

If Only I Felt Happy, Maybe I Could Be Happy

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Or do I need to “fake it until I make it?” I know all about attitude and how it is the only thing I have control over. But taking that information and turning it into reality is not the same thing. So how do I turn my desire for the feeling of joy, of happiness, into a reality? Over the centuries, many famous, well-known people, have used this technique to keep a positive … [Read more...] about If Only I Felt Happy, Maybe I Could Be Happy

Am I Able to Be Happier, to Feel Joy?

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I wish I could say yes to joy, to being happier. There are many emotions I am familiar with, but joy and happiness are rarely one of them. OK is the operative word. If someone asks how I am doing, I stretch the truth and say that I am “darn glad to be here.” Now while that isn’t a lie, it is often far from my real expectations. I am familiar with the change triangle and … [Read more...] about Am I Able to Be Happier, to Feel Joy?