It’s been months since I’ve been able to work from the front porch. I know it’s my fault for not making the decision sooner. After all, my old laptop has been non-responsive for months. Yet every time I would start to research new laptops, I would hear a voice in my head. And it would remind me that I still have a PC in my home office that I can use. So why am I thinking … [Read more...] about My Depression Let Me Buy a New Computer
Guilt and Shame
Memorial Day Holiday Is Over, Now What?
I am worried that I don’t feel different today. It seems like I should be more relaxed and content. I got to spend a long weekend with my son and my new daughter-in-law. They drove over 6 hours to be here for the Memorial Day holiday. And we hosted a bonfire on Saturday with several family members from the surrounding area joining us. We grilled, made smores, and then at … [Read more...] about Memorial Day Holiday Is Over, Now What?
Why Am I Alone Again While My Depression is Winning?
From the 20,000-foot view, I can see patterns. As I move away from the abyss, I reach out to friends, family, and passers-by. I am more comfortable speaking with others and garnering opinions about this or that. I am much more able to seek out others as I work on projects. While not gregarious, I am more open and talkative. But as depression works its magic, I begin … [Read more...] about Why Am I Alone Again While My Depression is Winning?
With Depression, I Feel Survivors Guilt for People I Do Not Know
I have felt guilty for being alive before. When someone I had been to group sessions with took his life, I felt very guilty to still be alive. The shock of his decision was more than I could handle at that moment. So, I jumped to feeling guilty that it was not me. And then there is the shame of not doing something, anything. Not that I could have. While we were in a … [Read more...] about With Depression, I Feel Survivors Guilt for People I Do Not Know
Depression Won’t Let Me Make the Call
I haven’t spoken to my peer support contact in over 2 weeks. In fact, I have been ignoring her calls, letting them go to voice mail. It’s not that I do not want to talk to her. She has been one of my most ardent supporters for the past three years. Her observations have helped me understand my medication choices. And she has given me the confidence to speak up for … [Read more...] about Depression Won’t Let Me Make the Call