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“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

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You are here: Home / Depression / Evergreen – Lessons I’ve Learned From 50 Years of High-Functioning Depression

Evergreen – Lessons I’ve Learned From 50 Years of High-Functioning Depression

October 28, 2021 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

Im am finally writing my book about my life of over 50 years with Depression, or Major Depressive Disorder with suicial ideation
Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash

It’s been almost 2 1/2 years since I checked in to 5 East.

What I have learned since then has changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. The morning I went to the ER, I was so tightly up against the wall that I could not see anything except the abyss. At that moment, I was way past circling the drain. And as I have recounted many times, that morning I saw only three choices.

  1. Take my life, 2. Continue doing the same thing and continue expecting a different outcome, or 3. Seek professional medical advice.

I knew that I was too chicken to commit suicide, and there was no chance that doing the same thing was going to produce a different outcome this time. So I got up, took a shower, and drove to the emergency room. As the day progressed, I found myself almost insisting that I needed to be admitted. I believe the staff, with the best of intentions, didn’t believe I needed to go. Once again, high-functioning depression masked my underlying needs.

Today I am writing my 440th blog post.

And I have made the decision to write my book about my life with depression. The idea has been swirling around in my head for a while. Getting my thoughts out has been important. I have used my blog to work through many, many issues. Trying to understand depression and my relationship to it, I have explored things that were on my mind.

Despite being afraid of the stigma associated with mental illness, I am proud that I have been honest in my writing.

Omitting some details has allowed me to protect the innocent. Or so I tell myself. On some level, I am allowing myself to be found out. Certainly, writing and publishing 440 blog posts on the internet, I am not trying to keep my depression a secret. But I have not gone out of my way to announce my depression. And while I have an entire Pinterest Website, and a private My Concealed Depression Facebook Page, I have not published a single blog post entry on my Facebook page.

Twitter, however, is another story.

Every blog post I write, I share as a link from the author, Depression Is Not My Boss. And my posts appear on Blogarama’s home page. So I am not going out of my way to protect my identity.

But setting out to write a book about my depression, I know that my identity will become known.

My biggest fear is the stigma still attached to mental health and specifically to depression. Yes, I am nervous about being associated with my depression. Yet I am still here to face it, to share what it’s like, and to let others know living with depression is possible.

Inspiration for facing the stigma comes from those I have met in Peer Support. Their stories and the fact that they show up anyway, make them superheroes in my book. And I meet people every day who inspire me to keep going.

So I have written the outline and will update my progress from time to time.

I am excited about this new chapter in my life. As SMART RECOVERY says, ” my goal is to lead a balanced life with depression.”

Filed Under: Depression, Facts and myths about mental illness, Featured Home, Mental Health Tagged With: Books about unhelpful thinking styles, depression, depression is not my boss, mental health

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I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

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