I think I should. I think I shouldn’t.

What is it about making a decision?

I have done my homework. I have filled out the worksheets. I have spoken to my supporters, my therapist and my family. And I am still not sure what I should do.

And I haven’t even been offered the job yet.

Just because the interview went well, doesn’t mean I will be offered the position. Yet here I am in the same situation, having to think about the long-term consequences of my decision. If I am offered the position, will I accept?

There is one camp who feels that it is too soon.

It has been over nine weeks since I was in the hospital. Yes, my diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder, Yes, I am finally facing depression and learning coping skills to have a better quality of life going forward. And yes, I am still feeling some of the impact of my depression.

But I am facing forward, armed with an understanding of my disease.

I stopped burying my head in the sand, refusing to acknowledge my depression. This action has made a significant difference in my ability to understand what I need to do. In the past, my plan was to conceal the depression and conceal the impulsive, destructive consequences.

Without an autopsy, I would bury the incident and run to the exit. Not facing the depression would only lay the groundwork for the next episode. And each episode swung the outcome further into the abyss.

Facing depression doesn’t make this one decision easier.

What is easier is recognizing what is going on. I am getting good at identifying unhelpful thinking. I am getting good at asking different questions, asking better questions. I am getting good at challenging my thoughts.

My personal decision making has gotten stronger. Now in my professional life, I was able to make decisions within company policy. I could solve problems, make decisions, and have better outcomes as a result. I was able to separate depression from my day job. But when I was home, depression and I would reunite.

So, the question is, should I go back to a full-time out of the house job now?

Based on the feedback and my understanding of my skills and background, it seems I am the most qualified candidate. And the person I interviewed with, I know and have worked with. And, I have the support of Vice-presidents further up the food chain.

The issue then becomes, if I am offered the job and I take it, what will I give up?

With my home-based business, I am spending 25 to 40 hours a week writing. There is plenty of flexibility to adjust my schedule to help others with doctor’s appointments and such. And I am scheduling my own self-care. This includes therapy appointments, group sessions, and doctor visits. Having a full-time, out of the house job would change that.

What I would give up would be the expansion of my writing business. This would occur right now when the scale is tipping towards growth. As my depression becomes more manageable, I have renewed my efforts and people are responding in a positive way.

Would downsizing my business be the right thing to do?

So, making this decision has become a real project. The answer will impact my life, but also the lives of my supporters, clients, and others. And I have been going around and around in the process.

Faced with this same decision a month ago, I realized that I was running towards the job. It was my safety net. It would give me a title, and perceived value. At that moment, I did not know my value unless it was tied to something. I could be the manager, the husband, the father. In that context, I understood and saw my value.

But what about when it’s just me, on the porch, with a cup of coffee?

What is my worth then? With no title, I am still working out the details of my value to myself. This is going to take a while and cannot be something I give up. So, I will need to work my self-care into the equation.

And how will I manage my appointments, meetings, and therapy if I have a full-time job out of the house? I will be at the mercy of whoever does the schedule. I will need to be very detailed in my planning and my follow-up to make sure this part of my recovery is not interrupted.

So many things to think about.

It was easier when depression was in charge. But easier also meant impulsiveness, anarchy, and destruction. It meant secretive behavior, isolation, and “only I know what I need unhelpful thinking.” As soon as I think through the entire sequence of events for my depressive episodes, I am convinced I can never let that happen again.

This underlying theme of “depression is not my boss,†will be what helps me make the decision.

Stay tuned and we’ll see if I even get the offer.

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