Getting stuck in my depression happens a lot. Things on the surface appear to be going well, but underneath the surface, there is a mish-mosh of stuff going on. Oh, the miracle of concealed, high-functioning depression. Of course, the easy way out is to blame my lack of forward momentum on my depression. I can say “If I didn’t have depression, then I would …” But this … [Read more...] about If I Did Not Have Depression, Would I Have Already Written 500 Blog Posts About My Depression? (This is only post #489)
guilt and shame
From the 20,000-foot view, I can see patterns. As I move away from the abyss, I reach out to friends, family, and passers-by. I am more comfortable speaking with others and garnering opinions about this or that. I am much more able to seek out others as I work on projects. While not gregarious, I am more open and talkative. But as depression works its magic, I begin … [Read more...] about Why Am I Alone Again While My Depression is Winning?
I have felt guilty for being alive before. When someone I had been to group sessions with took his life, I felt very guilty to still be alive. The shock of his decision was more than I could handle at that moment. So, I jumped to feeling guilty that it was not me. And then there is the shame of not doing something, anything. Not that I could have. While we were in a … [Read more...] about With Depression, I Feel Survivors Guilt for People I Do Not Know
I know they are only trying to help. And I want to be helped. Or so I say. But is that true? Am I feeling so guilty and embarrassed about talking to someone about my depression that I am pushing away those who want to help? I did that with two therapists, and now I am close to pushing away my peer advocate. They are professionals who are in my life to help me learn to … [Read more...] about I’m Feeling Embarrassed and Guilty For Not Being a Better Patient
Facing my depression, and saying it's name out loud, has been work. Sometimes the work has been exhausting. It has only been easy on rare occasions. Most of the time some effort is required on my part to call out depression’s antics and to work through an alternative that doesn’t involve unhelpful thinking. Yet in the past, time travel worked. I was able to ruminate … [Read more...] about Why Can’t I Just Make It Easy And Stop Facing My Depression?