My Concealed Depression

My thoughts on my lifetime of Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.

mental health matters

The Beetle by the Pool and What Panama Is Teaching Me About Retirement

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I am looking at a huge beetle climbing up beside the swimming pool. It moved slowly along the edge of the shadow and then turned and went down the step. I lost it when it moved so that my view of it was blocked by a hammock. Now it went up again. And when I looked up from typing, it was down again. It must be looking for food, not escape. One last thing about the … [Read more...] about The Beetle by the Pool and What Panama Is Teaching Me About Retirement

The Path Back to Joy Starts with One Small Moment

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Joy is supposed to feel simple, right? But lately, joy hasn’t felt simple. Or easy. Or even something I expect to feel.. If you’ve read My Concealed Depression before, you know I’ve talked about this—how joy, for me, sometimes slips quietly out of reach. Not with drama. Not with a breakdown. Just… gone. Like the volume’s been turned down on life, and I forgot how to turn … [Read more...] about The Path Back to Joy Starts with One Small Moment

My Depression Says The Holidays Are Here, So Why Am I Not Happier?

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Roxana Zerni UNSPLASH My depression is glad that I am sad and not happier. It gets to think that it is doing its job. Sewing seeds of doubt in myself and my actions is a key part of its MO. Once my depression gets me second-guessing myself, the journey down the rabbit hole has begun. This will lead to me being up against the wall with no discernable way forward. And it … [Read more...] about My Depression Says The Holidays Are Here, So Why Am I Not Happier?

What Makes Me Choose to Live with Depression?

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Photo by Marten Bjork on Unsplash Choosing not to live with depression is, for me, choosing suicide. Because of my family history, I see that I either learn to face depression and live with it, or check out. And my one instance of contemplating checking out occurred almost 50 years ago. Since then, I have understood that I am more afraid of death than I am of living with … [Read more...] about What Makes Me Choose to Live with Depression?