Roxana Zerni UNSPLASH
My depression is glad that I am sad and not happier.
It gets to think that it is doing its job. Sewing seeds of doubt in myself and my actions is a key part of its MO. Once my depression gets me second-guessing myself, the journey down the rabbit hole has begun. This will lead to me being up against the wall with no discernable way forward.
And it doesn’t help to notice that the winter solstice is over.
The days are once again getting longer, but nothing is noticeable yet. This is most likely because the winter solstice was only yesterday. It will be six months before the summer solstice. Until then, the days will continue to get longer. But it will be some time before the effects of this change are noticeable.
I had told my psychiatrist that I planned to get out my SAD light.
But my depression, or my lack of focus, has created a climate where I haven’t done it yet. I do have the SAD light. This will be the third year of my experimenting with it. In year one, I just followed the directions and found some noticeable success. I was able to set up the SAD light on my desk at the correct distance away from my face. Using the timer, I set the prescribed amount of time for my exposure.
Using my SAD lamp made my depression very angry and very lonely.
As the holidays approached, I was not overly sad. I cannot say that I was happy, but I was definitely not sad. That winter felt shorter than most, and the longer days got me outside again, soaking up real sunlight.
Last year was a different story, with my depression being much happier that I wasn’t happier.
I did get the SAD light out and set it up on my desk. I once again figured out the proper distance from it. And I made a vow to use it consistently throughout the winter months.
Stuff happens, and my depression kicked in its two cents about my use of the SAD light.
OK, so I just never got around to using it last year. I turned it on one morning, but I knew the lamp was too far away. I remember thinking that it wasn’t working this year. Now, I am not blaming my not using the SAD lamp on my depression. But I do know that my depression was much happier that I wasn’t making the use of the lamp a regular thing.
So, I am writing about a light I am not using.
I suppose that not using the light is one reason that I am not all that excited about the holidays. This is the second cold spell in our short winter so far. This morning, the outside temperature was 15 degrees Fahrenheit. Overnight, when I woke up, I got out of bed and stoked the wood stove. I was able to keep the fire going overnight.
Keeping the wood stove going overnight made a dramatic difference this morning.
The house was still at 68 degrees, and all I had to do was place a couple of logs in the woodstove, and away it went. In less than 1 ½ hours, the temperature in the living room is 75 degrees. Soon, I will need to add a log or two, but the house is already very comfortable. As I write, I am sitting on the couch in a pair of shorts. I know I wear shorts at home all year round, but it feels good this morning. I will load up the wood stove before heading to work. This should help the house stay warm.
So, once again, I started a topic and then ran off in another direction.
Maybe I should end by changing the headline to match what I am writing. My goal, however, is to write about what is going on in my mind. The fact that the blog post title often starts out being ignored is what I am doing these days.
My depression is pleased that I am not more focused.
This lack of clear structure plays right into my depression’s hands, assuming it has hands. With only two more shopping days until Christmas, the holidays are here. This year, my focus is on my children and grandchildren.
I am personally carrying too much baggage to think about what I might need during the holidays.
So, let’s get on with it and have some eggnog. Of course, the Wild Turkey is no longer a part of my celebration. It’s not that I am not allowed to drink; it’s just that I stopped several years ago. And I find excuses not to pick up an alcoholic drink. This may change in the future, but even a beer is not part of my holiday cheer right now.
In fact, I seem to be void of holiday cheer.
I wish to get through to next year and have longer days. I only wish my depression would find this acceptable.
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