How could he even say that?
That I am blaming my depression for my actions. That I am making excuses for my actions and not being responsible. That’s not even close to what I am thinking.
I am a mess today.
My therapy session has opened all kinds of feelings, emotions, and who the hell knows what else. And worse, I see the next session as an extension of today. More searching, more questioning. Much more uncomfortableness, if that’s even a word.
Of course, this could mean I am finally getting to the core problems I face, the core emotions I have ignored or pushed aside as unimportant. Using change triangles, I can see the relationship between the event, the feelings it evokes and the core emotion.
“Freedom comes from authenticity with our emotions.â€
My therapist said that today and it has got me thinking. Instead of being authentic and acknowledging my emotions, I often defend and inhibit them.
I am still not clear on the actual effects of having a disease, a biochemical disorder called depression.
Today, I thought I could think my way out of depression. After all, I’m smart, I’m goal oriented, I’m driven to succeed, why shouldn’t I be able to lick depression?
Of course, this†shoulda woulda coulda†thinking is what kept me from facing depression for 43+ years.
I’m going need to come back to this.
What’s bugging you today?
