10 things I just cannot do

Let me say right up front that these are things I am working on.

Things I would like to do, things that I see value in, but depression does not.

This is creating conflict in my head and heart about my need to address these things.

My List

Relax – Just sitting in the morning on the front porch, with my first cup of coffee was something I looked forward to. Now I cannot just sit. I feel that I must be writing on my laptop or checking my email.

Let go – Some ideas I have carried around for quite a while. I just can’t seem to get them out of my head. Depression keeps shooting me text messages and emails reminding me not to forget things. Old ideas, old, unproductive, unhelpful and unhealthy habits are still being dragged along behind me. It’s time to cut the cord and move on.

Be more in the moment – While I have gotten better at this, being present in the moment is very hard. I know I do not spend enough time working on this. Whatever else is going on at that moment is always more important than what I should be focusing on in that same moment. It is easier to live in the past or the future than in the present moment.

Ask better questions consistently – I am so proud of the progress I have made in this area, and so frustrated that I cannot be consistent. My successes end up being minimized as depression gets involved, and the fact that I am not doing this in every situation becomes a monumental big deal which depression keeps pointing out.

Give myself a break – I am beginning to feel like I am always on again. This idea that I must be ‘evergreen’ and always available is tiring me out. It is probably in my list of triggers to watch for in my WRAP plan.

Clean the office – I still vacuum my office once a week. While I have the vacuum out, I do the bedroom and the two guest rooms that are carpeted. But cleaning and organizing my desk, projects and incoming mail are slipping. I don’t feel in control of these things right now. With all the best intentions to address it over the past few weeks, my desk is still a mess.

Stop mind reading – Doing this, depression tells me, is like reading the “Monarch Notes” version of a book. You get the idea of the book, without having to actually read the book. I decide I know what a person is thinking, then act on that assumption, without ever speaking to the person. This has been one of depressions favorite ideas to show me who is really in charge.

Stop running – As soon as I wasn’t up against the wall with depression, I was off and trying to run again. Running to a non-profit position, a board of directors’ position, installing a swimming pool. Anything to keep me from having free time to face myself and depression.

Running saved my life in my 20’s. Real, actual, physical exercise pushed depression into the background and created an almost 15 year stretch of positive energy. But now I am using running, as in running away, to avoid facing situations that involve my feelings.

Be in touch with my feelings – That is a tough one for me. I have said many times, I can give you an accurate report about a situation, just don’t ask me how I feel about it. I know this is one of the biggest challenges I face, and one depression has spent so much time showing me ways NOT to be in touch.

I spend a lot of time working on recognizing unhelpful thinking styles. These are strategies I use to avoid the issue, or at least avoid the feeling associated with the issue.

Recognize and believe in the value of simple conversation – I’m always in a rush. Stopping and smelling the roses, spending a few minutes just chatting, with no agenda, no specific goal, is foreign to me. I am results oriented. How can I or why would I just talk? Why wouldn’t there be a purpose, and objective, an outcome to achieve? This is my mind set as I approach conversations.

Now the very short version of simple conversation I can do. “Hi, how are you?” “Is your child feeling better?”  These are easy. But if it turns into a one to five minute conversation, I get edgy, I lose focus, and I feel guilty that I am not doing something “productive.” I really want to fix this.

It has only been four months since I turned and faced my depression.

And it took me 43 years to do that. I must say that despite having things I cannot do YET, there are success stories, too. And this is what keeps me going. I have called out depression and am keeping it where I can see it. I am on to its sneaky ways and its underhanded style of getting me into its secretive world.

I’m finally facing it and it feels good.

So, I will continue to work on this list. I am posting a copy on my bulletin board next to my desk and will pick one area to focus on each day. I’ll start with what could be an easy one and I will clean and organize my desk. This has helped me feel better in the past.  Then I will tackle some of the bigger issues.

What things would you like to do but are not doing?

Your comments are appreciated as I continue my journey.