Today my Psychiatrist upped my Prozac to 40mg daily.
This is double the 20 mg I have been taking since the end of April.
Thinking about how this came to be, I am sad, mad and glad that it happened. Taking medication, along with therapy seems like a straight-forward process. You see a doctor, get a pill, your cured! Reality is nothing like that.
I am sad because took a week after my Psychiatrist appointment for me to understand that I had not been completely truthful.
My concealed depression kicked in big time as I walked into the room and I was my old, “hide your feelings at all cost” self. This is not a good strategy when you are trying to recover and lead a balanced life.
This made me mad at myself for not being honest, for hiding how I was truly feeling.
Depression saw this as a chance to keep me down, to derail my recovery and it stepped in big time. Recently, I have been very good at catching unhelpful thinking. Sometimes I do it immediately, almost always within a few hours.
It took a week for me to understand that I had not been clear with my Psychiatrist about how I was doing. This takes me right back to “shoulding” on myself. That never ends well.
READ: I promise not to “should” on myself today.
It turns out you can be in recovery and not be “cured.” In fact, living with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a lifelong endeavor. And I can be making great strides in some areas while still needing help in others. (Hmm, that sounds a lot like life.)
Finally, I am glad that it happened.
After seven days, I made the call to my Psychiatrist and outlined what I had not told him in our last visit. This included on-going sleep issues and my gaining almost seven pounds in the past few weeks. Then there is the lack of enjoyment associated with the daily things that I used to take great pleasure in, working in the yard, keeping my home office organized. And I wont even mention my ongoing struggle with guilt and shame.
40 mg of Prozac is what we agreed on. I started this larger dose today.
I am to report my progress in three weeks to my Psychiatrist, sooner if there are any significant side effects. The next option may be to add a second type of drug that works in concert with the Prozac. That’s the future.
For today, I am doing the drugs.
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