Depression has been making me feel unimportant and not worth loving for decades.
It has done its best to keep me from seeing my own personal worth. With unhelpful thinking, my depression has shown me how much I have screwed up. And I get to relive all these instances where I was less than perfect. So, if I didn’t catch how worthless I was the first time, depression will rerun the tape over and over.
Eventually, depression will get me to see just how little I have done.
And then depression will rub it in, pointing out every instance where I could have corrected my view of myself. But I didn’t fix them because I was spending too much time listening to depression. The broken record of problems I never fixed is endless. And then there are the things I wish I had said and the things I wish I had never said.
So, I spend my time hoping for something good, but bracing for something much less positive.
This takes a tremendous amount of energy. And in the end, I need even more time to recharge my batteries. Without recharging myself, my ability to exhibit high-functioning depression becomes even harder. The whole idea is to keep the real me from being discovered. My fear is that the real me isn’t valuable and isn’t all that good.
But there are those who are in my corner and recognize my accomplishments.
It wasn’t until 5 East that I began to see I had a support group. These are people who think I am good. They think I am positive and warm. And very able to make others feel needed, heard, and valuable. It is easy for me to support others. In my resume and career coaching business, I often told clients “I am here to give you permission to be awesome.â€
Many of my clients are tops in their fields, but underneath all of their success, they do not feel they deserve the praise.
Now that I think about this, I am seeing these successful professionals have deep down, the same insecurities that I have. And when they go for interviews, I remind them that their mothers will not be there. This makes it up to them to toot their own horn, Mom will not be doing it for them. In fact, there won’t be anyone in the room to share your successes if you do not do it yourself.
So why do I have it in my head that I am the only person who has ever felt underwhelmed about their own success?
What got me started on this line of thinking was the picture and comments posted on the entrance wall at my gym. It was the picture of us on the summit of Kilimanjaro, in Tanzania, Africa. The headline shared the owner’s enthusiasm for my summiting at 19,431 feet. This picture has already been posted on Anytime Fitness’ Facebook page and their Instagram account.
I learned today that the owner has been contacted by Anytime Fitness’ corporate home office about sharing my picture on their company pages.
I guess not too many of their members have trekked to the summit of the world’s highest free-standing mountain. It certainly makes their gym, more attractive. At 67, I used my gym as a springboard to the summit. This is all true, but it is only part of the story. I have had strong legs and a healthy constitution all my life.
For the past 30 years, I have averaged 5 to 7 miles each day at work.
Now, this is not all at once but getting in 10,000 to 17,000 steps in an average day is something I am proud of. When I have a day off, I am lucky to get 3,000 to 4,500 steps in. I work in the yard and go up and down the slope, but I am not as active as I am at work.
But back to the gym, I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see this posted.
This picture was not there the day before. I had been to the gym yesterday morning and looked at the wall. If there was a picture of us at the summit of Kilimanjaro posted yesterday, I know I would have seen it. I immediately took this picture and posted it on Facebook.
There are those who think I did something unusual and special.
I suppose that is true. And I am coming around to the idea that maybe I am special. That really shouldn’t be that hard to think about. But that hasn’t kept me from picturing my unspecialness in the past. However, if I can change my attitude towards myself, it is possible I could see my own value. I know that my attitude towards events is the only thing I can control.
I should be working to fill my head with the idea that I love myself.
On some level, I know I do, Yet in my day-to-day existence, I am not so sure I have much love for myself. There have been times when I could say that this is true. But most of those times are in the past. It has been years since I have really and truly loved myself. Until recently, I have been content to adjust my thoughts about my value based on what I perceived others to be thinking.
Maybe I am special and worth loving,
I certainly hope so. If this is true, then I must work on adjusting my attitude toward myself. If I am my own worst enemy, there is little hope of me seeing myself with value and therefore worth loving. And I am a very positive guy. This is one reason, I believe, that concealed depression has worked on me so well.
Turning that frown upside down is easy.
I am adept at making things seem better than they sometimes are. However, it is my personal things that are not always good. At work, I can put on confidence and project a “we can do this†persona. And under that banner, we will achieve whatever result we are after. This could be a sales competition, a promotion, or even getting everyone off work on time.
Whatever I am feeling on a personal level I leave at the door.
I am on from the moment I walk into work. It is very hard for me to separate myself from work. I invest my entire scheduled time in work-related activities. And I feel guilty if I spend even a few minutes doing something not work-related. This even includes scheduling doctors’ visits or getting an appointment to have my auto inspection done,
So now I am all over the place and I have lost my thought about loving myself.
There are moments when I can say this is true. And my historical record is filled with years of being proud of myself and my accomplishments. But every time I get too full of myself, my depression thwarts these feelings by slipping into unhelpful thinking.
And BAMM, I am back stressing over not playing with a gift I received the same evening that I was given it.
Or I am stuck reliving my decision to retire early. This ends with me wondering why I would give up 45 years of planning and retire without a well-thought-out plan. In fact, I just tossed out almost the entire plan I developed with my spouse and replaced it with depressions ideas. Reliving these and many more moments I wish had been more thought out I slip one step closer to the drain.
But maybe much of this is depression’s way of exerting control.
It is harder for depression to convert me to its side when I am feeling love for myself. If am comfortable with who I am, it makes depression’s job much harder. So, keeping me in a state of anxiousness is beneficial for depression. And this anxiousness makes it harder for me to feel good about myself.
I am not sure that I have solved this issue, even after dancing around it as I have done.
It is not something I can just get over. Nor is it something that is impossible to achieve, It’s just that right now, I am being pulled in two directions. Depression wants me not loving myself. Depression wants me uneasy, alone, and secretive. And there are times when this happens.
But there are times when I love myself and my life.
Depression really hates this. It has a hard time getting under my skin. I not only project confidence and respect for myself, but I also feel it too. Leading a balanced life with depression means there will be ups and downs. But the ups are not too high, and I stay out of the abyss.
Depression has been making me feel unimportant for decades.
It has done its best to keep me from seeing my own personal worth. With unhelpful thinking, my depression has shown me how much I have screwed up. And I get to relive all these instances where I was less than perfect. So, if I didn’t catch how worthless I was the first time, depression will rerun the tape over and over.
Eventually, depression will get me to see just how little I have done.
And then depression will rub it in, pointing out every instance where I could have corrected my view of myself. But I didn’t as I was spending too much time listening to depression. This broken record of problems I never fixed is endless. And then there are the things I was I had said and the things I wish I had never said.
So, I spend my time hoping for something good, but bracing for something much less positive.
This takes a tremendous amount of energy. And in the end, I need even more time to recharge my batteries. Without doing this, my ability to exhibit high-functioning depression becomes even harder. The whole idea is to keep the real me from being discovered. My fear is that the real me isn’t valuable and isn’t all that good.
But there are those who are in my corner and recognize my accomplishments.
It wasn’t until 5 East that I began to see I had a support group. There are people who think I am good. They think I am positive and warm. And they think I am able to make others feel needed, heard, and valuable. It is easy for me to support others. In my resume and career coaching business, I often tell clients “I am here to give you permission to be awesome.â€
Many of my clients are tops in their fields, but underneath all of their success, they do not feel they deserve the praise.
Now that I think about this, I am seeing these successful professionals have deep down, the same insecurities that I have. And when they go for interviews, I remind them that their mothers will not be there. This makes it up to them to toot their own horn, Mom will not be doing it for them. In fact, there won’t be anyone in the room to share their successes if they do not do it themselves.
So why do I have it in my head that I am the only person who has ever felt underwhelmed about their own success?
What got me started on this line of thinking was the picture and comments posted on the entrance wall at my gym. It was the picture of us on the summit of Kilimanjaro, in Tanzania, Africa. The headline shared the owner’s enthusiasm for my summiting at 19,431 feet. This picture has already been posted on Anytime Fitness’ Facebook page and their Instagram account.
I learned today that the owner has been contacted by Anytime Fitness’ corporate home office about sharing my picture on their company pages.
I guess not too many of their members have trekked to the summit of the world’s highest mountains. It certainly makes them attractive. At 67, I used my gym as a springboard to the summit. This is all true, but it is only part of the story. I have had strong legs and a healthy constitution all my life.
For the past 30 years, I have averaged 5 to 7 miles each day at work.
Now, this is not all at once but getting in 10,000 to 17,000 steps a day on average is normal. But I am lucky to get 3,000 to 4,500 steps in on my days off. I work in the yard and go up and down the hills, but I am not as active as I am at work.
But back to the gym, I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see this posted.
This picture was not there the day before. I had been to the gym yesterday morning and looked at the wall. If there was a picture of us at the summit of Kilimanjaro posted yesterday, I know I would have seen it. I immediately took this picture and posted it on Facebook.
Yet there are those who think I did something unusual and special.
I suppose that is true. And I am coming around to the idea that maybe I am special. That really shouldn’t be that hard to think about. But that hasn’t kept me from picturing my unspecialness in the past. However, if I can change my attitude towards myself, it is possible I could see my own value. I know that my attitude towards events is the only thing I can control.
I should be working to fill my head with the idea that I love myself.
On some level, I know I do, Yet in my day-to-day existence, I am not so sure I have much love for myself. There have been times when I could say that this is true. But most of those times are in the past. It has been years since I have really and truly loved myself. Until recently, I have been content to adjust my thoughts about my value based on what I perceived others to be thinking.
Maybe I am special and worth loving,
I certainly hope so. If this is true, then I must work on adjusting my attitude toward myself. If I am my own worst enemy, there is little hope of me seeing myself with value and therefore worth loving. And I am a very positive guy. This is one reason, I believe, that concealed depression has worked so well for me.
Turning that frown upside down when I need to is easy.
I am adept at making things seem better than they sometimes are. Yet it’s my personal things that are not always good. At work, I can put on confidence and project a “we can do this†persona. And under that banner, we will achieve whatever result we are after. This could be a sales competition, a promotion, or even getting everyone off work on time.
Whatever I am feeling on a personal level I leave at the door.
I am on from the moment I walk into work. It is very hard for me to separate myself from work. I invest my entire scheduled time in work-related activities. And I feel guilty if I spend even a few minutes doing something that is not work-related. This even includes scheduling doctors’ visits or getting an appointment to have my auto inspection done, I even eat my lunch while reviewing email.
So now I am all over the place and I have lost my thought about loving myself.
There are moments when I can say this is true. And my historical record is filled with years of being proud of myself and my accomplishments. But every time I get too full of myself, my depression thwarts these feelings by slipping into unhelpful thinking.
And BAMM, I am back stressing over not playing with a gift I received the same evening that I was given it.
Or I am stuck reliving my decision to retire early. This ends with me wondering why I would give up 45 years of planning and retire without a well-thought-out plan. In fact, I tossed out almost the entire plan I developed with my spouse and replaced it with depressions ideas. Reliving these and many more moments I wish had been better considered, I slip one step closer to the drain.
But maybe much of this is depression’s way of exerting control.
It is harder for depression to convert me to its side when I am feeling love for myself. If am comfortable with who I am, it makes depression’s job much harder. So, keeping me in a state of anxiousness is beneficial for depression. And this anxiousness makes it harder for me to feel good about myself.
I am not sure that I have solved this issue, even after dancing around it as I have done.
It is not something I can just get over. Nor is it something that is impossible to achieve, It’s just that right now, I am being pulled in two directions. Depression wants me not loving myself. Depression wants me uneasy, alone, and secretive. And there are times when this happens.
But there are times when I love myself and my life.
Depression really hates this. It has a hard time getting under my skin. I not only project confidence and respect for myself, but I also feel it too. Leading a balanced life with depression means there will be ups and downs. But the ups are not too high, and I stay out of the abyss.
