• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact
  • SHOP

Turnaround
You are here: Home / Featured Home / I Promise Not to Should on Myself Today!

I Promise Not to Should on Myself Today!

July 17, 2019 by Depression Is Not My Boss 3 Comments

I should have done this!

You should have done that. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be told what to do. And “you should have” is telling someone what to do. Even with the best of intentions, it can evoke ire and anger in the receiver of the “you should have.”

It makes me mad when I say it about or to myself.

Today in a group session, we were reminded that I statements are much more effective.  You can get your point across while talking about yourself. I statements are not accusatory and are not telling someone what to do. But they are stating what you did or would do.

When you are in conflict, you may have difficulty clearly articulating your situation without escalating the conflict. Using an “I” message (also known as an “assertiveness statement”) can help you state your concerns, feelings, and needs in a manner that is easier for the listener to hear and understand An “I-statement” focuses on your own feelings and experiences.

It does not focus on your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do. It is the difference, for example, between saying, “I feel that I am not being permitted to participate in office projects to the extent that others are” and “You always let Marge work on office projects, but you never ask me if I’m interested.”

If you can express your experience in a way that does not attack, criticize, or blame others, you are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility which tends to escalate conflicts, or have the other person shut-down or tune you out which tends to stifle communication.

See the entire article Office of the Boston University Ombuds

You can should on yourself, escalating your anxiety and lowering your self-esteem.

In this instance, you are using name-calling or labeling towards yourself. The should have statement is; “you should have stopped after you had one doughnut, not three. Now you will be uncomfortable when you go on your walk in the hot sun.” The I statement to myself is: “I feel uncomfortable when I eat lots of donuts. Today I will only have one, before my walk.”

You can attack a decision you have made with you should have done this or that, making you defensive and uncomfortable.

And if you use “you should have” on someone else, well watch out.

Sparks usually fly, things get heated, and the outcome is never the “well-meaning advice” you were trying to impart to the person. You should have immediately makes me defensive and puts me on the attack, to justify whatever it is you think I shouldn’t have. And you tell me my decision is wrong when you tell me what I should have done.

When I am defensive, I am not thinking clearly.

I don’t hear what you are telling me, because of the way you are telling me. You are not empowering me with advice and ideas, you are cramming down my throat what you think I should do or have done. This is not helpful, it is not supportive, or seen as valuable be me.

All I hear is you shouldn’t have done it that way.

It works the same when I use those statements on myself. Shoulda, woulda, coulda is a rabbit hole as deep as any depression has thrown in my path. This unhelpful thinking style can escalate and damage my self-esteem if I am not careful. And believe me, I have let that happen more than once.

After yesterday’s meeting, I am thinking about labels in a whole new light. I knew they were bad, but I didn’t realize the power those words had over my recovery. Or the power they have to inflame others. With this newfound knowledge in hand:

I promise to not should on myself today!

Filed Under: Featured Home, Self Care, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: depression, life, lifestyle, mental health, should thinking, unhealthy thinking styles, unhelpful thinking styles, worries, worry

Reader Interactions

Trackbacks

  1. Why Is Depression Having Me Think the S-Word Again? - says:
    July 27, 2021 at 11:17 AM

    […] This spirals me into woulda, coulda, shoulda… […]

    Reply
  2. Is My Plan Really Just Loosely Formed? - says:
    February 18, 2022 at 8:58 AM

    […] of life that I gave up to secretly follow depression. I am careful to not spend much time on shoulda, woulda, coulda. All that does is steal time away from living my life to the […]

    Reply
  3. Depression Introduced Me to Unhelpful Thinking Styles - says:
    July 3, 2022 at 8:56 PM

    […] READ: I promise not to should on myself today […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder. As I meet others with mental illness, they often tell me they feel alone.

With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to let others know you are not alone. Others are going through the same things.

And I write to share what I am learning so you and I can lead a balanced life.

https://myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

I write to understand my depression and thereby lead a balanced life.

Is Being Too Busy to Write a Good Thing?

September 2, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Even as I have MDD or concealed depression, I am wondering what makes me the happiest

What Would Make Me the Happiest?

August 14, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Are You Getting Enough Sleep?

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Mosaic 250x250
Blog Meets Brand
Best Self Improvement & Personal Development Blogs - OnToplist.com
RSS Search

Blog posts that go back to my 5 East time over 4 years ago

  • September 2023
  • August 2023
  • July 2023
  • June 2023
  • May 2023
  • April 2023
  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • September marks #SuicidePreventionMonth
  • Is Being Too Busy to Write a Good Thing?
  • What Would Make Me the Happiest?
  • I’m Still Pushing That Rock Up the Same Hill
  • My Depression Has Me Falling in and Out of Love

Search

Products

  • The Six Second Cover Letter™ $19.99
  • 10 Page Gratitude Coloring Pages $14.99
  • 5 gratitude coloring pages from my concealed depression to help reduce anxiety and depression Five - Gratitude Coloring Pages $9.99
  • The One Secret That Lands Your Dream Job[Course]
  • Write This Down, You'll Need It Later[Amazon]

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma