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“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

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You are here: Home / Suicide & Self-Harm / Thank You, Prozac, It’s Been Three Weeks Since I’ve Had Those Thoughts.

Thank You, Prozac, It’s Been Three Weeks Since I’ve Had Those Thoughts.

July 13, 2019 by Depression Is Not My Boss 1 Comment

12 weeks ago, I would not have thought this was possible.

In the first few days after getting out of the hospital, depression still had me not seeing much of anything. It was a struggle to get out of bed, to eat, to get dressed. There was a glimmer of hope that I was on a better path, but when I say glimmer, that’s being very generous.

My days were filled with forcing myself to go through the motions.

There were days finding a therapist. Days finding a Psychiatrist. Days working on finding myself. Every action was forced, deliberate, and draining. Understanding my new reality as I faced depression was a full-time job. I am grateful to everyone who rallied around me and helped me build a support group. I have been inspired by others to build a life where depression is not my boss.

But these thoughts kept popping into my head.

Where were these coming from? They weren’t nearly as frequent as the weeks before I sought professional help, but they were there none the less. They didn’t fill my days, but they were around. Before beginning the Prozac, I would have them periodically throughout the day.

Now, I would have one soon after getting out of bed.

Automatic thoughts are something everyone has. What we do with them is where it gets tricky. These thoughts I would have in the morning I would treat the same way I treat thoughts when I am meditating. I watch them arise, say something like “oh it’s you again,” and then I would let it go.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.

Depression is a disease that has many components. And thoughts of suicide are a part of its toolbox. Thankfully, my focus has been on the “ideation” part, not the actual carrying it out part. I am way too frightened of death to think about doing away with myself. And, I am way to competitive. I want to see my 100th birthday. There is too much I haven’t done yet.

But even on the Prozac, the thoughts kept coming.

And then I noticed something was missing. The suicidal thoughts weren’t there. It was probably a week before I realized I wasn’t having them. Now it has been three weeks since I have had any ideation.

What a victory in my new life with depression.

There are so many tools I have learned which are helping me re-program my brain. I have learned how to challenge unhelpful thinking styles and am building a wellness recovery action plan. While all of this has been dramatic, I am not sure I would have been able to explore and embrace these tools without the help of Prozac.

For me, medication is a key part of my recovery.

It has given me back my mind. I am no longer up against the wall, but now I see options again. And I see a path forward. This is spectacular! Facing depression has made all the difference in my outlook on the future. I am no longer afraid of depression; I know it will be there. I also know it is not my boss.

Plus, now the suicidal thoughts have stopped.

This is a victory for my treatment plan. It is a victory worth celebrating. I am grateful that these thoughts have stopped. This reinforces my desire to continue my wellness plan because I can see the results. And even better, I am not thinking those thoughts.

I am once again looking forward to the future.

Your comments are appreciated as I continue my journey.

Filed Under: Featured Home, Medication, Self Care, Suicide & Self-Harm, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: depression, life, liufestyle, mental health, prozac, unhealthy thinking styles, unhelpful thinking styles, wellness recovery action plan, worries, worry, WRAP

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I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

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