The Lie the Disease Told Her Was So Convincing

— Ashley Judd revealed her mother Naomi Judd died by suicide

I am so saddened by this news. Regardless of your politics, when you know someone who died by suicide, it is very personal. Having followed her and her daughter’s career as The Judds, I know the story shared by the two.

And I have heard the story shared by the tabloids.

And back story or not, nothing prepares you for the finality of death. A person in the spotlight is just as valuable as a person that only had a small circle. Embracing the end has been the choice of several people I have personally known. There is a sense of shock and then of loss.

I have heard the lie my depression has been telling me for 45+ years.

Depression recited the virtues of keeping secrets almost daily.  I would, without understanding where this was going, begin to listen. And the thread always started small and unassuming. But soon I was sworn to secrecy, and I trusted no one except my depression.

Of course, once I landed in the abyss, my depression was gone.

After my time in 5 East, depression is still active. But, I am learning tools that make me aware of the antics depression is trying to spread over me. And these days, keeping secrets is a big red flag. If I even remotely feel that depression is becoming controlling, I can open up my Wellness Recovery Action Plan.

In that, I can find triggers, and then actions I can take.

Using my WRAP plan, recognizing what depression is up to gives me a fighting chance against depression’s lie. And that is where I begin each day. And while I am doing better today, I have had so many episodes of major depressive disorder, with suicidal ideation, that I must be ever watchful.

So, each day, I push the rock up the hill.

And for some, this daily process becomes too arduous. Continuing even one more day can sap every ounce of energy. Having expended every ounce of my energy concealing my depression today, I know how drained that can leave you. And then you must get out of bed and do it again the next day.  

It’s sad, but people do listen to the lie.

I know I have. And the actions one takes when isolated can lead to a “barrier between the regard in which they held her couldn’t penetrate your heart.”

Need help, or know someone who does? In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. The International Association for Suicide Prevention and Befrienders Worldwide also provides contact information for crisis centers around the world.