It’s like a huge weight I am dragging around.
If I don’t think about it, it’s still there. But if I start thinking about it, the weight just intensifies. Much of my frustration about the morning is centered around the painfully slow response of my laptop. It has taken me over 10 minutes to pen these few sentences.
Should I purchase a new laptop or continue to seek out fixes for my current laptop?
Super spyware and Avast have given me some speed back. But the entire process of writing, journaling, and then posting it into my blog has become a big chore. Sharing my feelings is often not easy. Then add onto that the frustration of my laptop working at subterranean speed, and I find myself making excuses not to write.
In 30 months, I have written 460 blog posts.
I have used my writing to explore whatever I am feeling at the time. Sometimes, I explore NOT feeling. I am good at “just the facts.†Boy, this slowness is making me frustrated. I cannot believe that I have been sitting here for 34 minutes and have only written 196 words.
This slowness has nothing to do with writer’s block.
I have plenty I want to say about this topic, but my laptop feels it is not necessary to translate my hitting the keys into readable text. And if I am not paying attention, my laptop has the show-stopping habit of moving my cursor to other paragraphs. So, when I add to a line, I am placing text inside of a sentence that I have written paragraphs earlier.
This is unproductive and frustrating as all get out.
I’m attempting to be the responsible person who doesn’t make rash decisions. In the past, depression has gotten me to go down rabbit holes. By disguising the reason as a computer slowdown, depression can begin to attract my attention under the guise of a problem with my computer.
The next thing you know, I am spending $1,000 on a computer I may not even need.
Depression is laughing because if I make the purchase without really exploring my options, I’ll begin to feel guilty. And guilt can lead to shame. Shame works on my self-esteem and that has me coming full circle to meet up with depression who is already practicing circling the drain.
I’m finishing this on my PC, which is 9 years old and should be replaced, too.
Now I am unsure of the next step. I did, on a tech’s recommendation, attach a Tera-bit hard drive to my PC. This automatically records every entry on my computer, so in the event of a crash, my data is still accessible. Or at least that is what I was told. In the event of a catastrophic crash, I would give the external hard drive to my tech guy, and hopefully, he would know how to restore my files.
Writing about why I am anxious is making me anxious.
Getting out and taking care of things on my list has made today less frustrating. My anxiety has eased, and I am feeling less edgy. I took the trash and recycling to the dump, brought six loads of firewood up to the porch, swept the garage, took care of my wife’s car’s electrical problem, and did some work for the nonprofit I am associated with. And my wife and I got to chat for 10 to 15 minutes several times today. I do have the day off, and I was able to be outside and accomplish things on my list.
All these events are self-care opportunities for me.
I am thankful that I can get through my list. This reduces my guilt, which then avoids shame. Soon I am less anxious, and this positive circle has continued for most of the day. I have a 7 PM Zoom meeting to talk with someone about their resume, Linked In profile and see how their job search is progressing. Then it’s a late supper with my wife and another chance to chat.
My laptop is still running exceedingly slow, and I really haven’t done anything to fix it.
But the anxiety about not being productive or feeling guilty or ashamed has almost gone. I will make an informed decision after I get more information. For now, I can use my desktop PC and continue to write. So I cannot take my desktop into the dining room or sit in a chair on the porch and work, but that’s ok.
But I am thankful that this is the worst thing I must worry about today.
Here’s hoping that tomorrow will be a continuation of easing anxiety. It’s no fun for me and cannot make me very pleasing to those around me. So now I am judging my actions and am worried about stigma related to mental health. Depression just threw in some unhelpful thinking, and I started catastrophizing my situation. Doom, despair, and agony were setting in on me.
Catching unhelpful thinking styles when they happen makes depression mad as heck.
I am thankful that I can see what is happening much more quickly. Seeing what depression wants me to do, I can choose not to do that. This is so freeing. It is one more way I am leading a balanced life with depression.
