7 Reasons I’m Tired of Being Tired

Five months of mostly cloudy.

My mind is not clear and crisp on most days. And for the first hour or two after I finally get up, my mind is the foggiest. 

I am yawning, even though I have been in bed for over 8 hours. If that translated into 8 hours of sleep, my mornings might be different.

After I first fall asleep, I begin a cycle of waking up at 1 AM, 3 AM, 4:30 AM, 6 AM, and then hourly until I force myself into the morning.

I have spoken about this to my Psychiatrist. There was a lot of talk about Melatonin, and I did try that. However, my problem isn’t falling asleep. I do that very quickly after I turn off the light. My issue is actually staying asleep.

I am tired of writing about this whole problem of not feeling awake when I wake up.

But, like so many other aspects of my life, I am fitting this problem into my daily routine. I am accepting the problems that not being able to get up has presented, and I am working around them. This is the same way I have dealt with my depression for most of my life. It would toss out ideas, and I would feel obligated to take them on as my own, working them around my daily life.

Now, I am taking on the role of martyr for the cause.

READ MORE: Why can’t I make the call?

Telling my self that my doctors are too busy for my little problem, I downplay my needs for the greater good. Or that’s what I am hearing and seeing through depression tinted glasses. And the list of things I am tired of includes more than just not being able to get up and get going in the morning.

I am tired of:

1. Having this dull cloud around my head. I envision the kid in the Charlie Brown comics with the dust cloud following him everywhere.
2. Feeling sad. I know it is an emotion just like “glad, mad, angry,†but my scale seems tilted, and it feels like I am more sad than glad, that I am out of balance.
3. Pushing away my Supporters. For many months, I was all over this, creating solid relationships with those who are on my team, those who want the best for me. Recently, I am pushing them away, just as depression had taught me years ago. This is not healthy or helpful.
4. Clutter. I am carrying it around in my head and acting it out in my office and closet. Even my piles have piles. In the past few days, I have made a major effort to reduce my clutter, and this has allowed me the ability to get my tax information collected.
5. My mind doing the same unhelpful things. Maybe it is progress that I recognize when I am using an unhelpful thinking style, but I am still using them. My ability to catch them is waning right now and that is creating havoc with me and my interactions with others, especially my support group.
6. The uncertainty caused by recent global events. I must remind myself that I cannot control events. However, I can control my attitude towards them. Since my hospital stay last year, this has been a success story for me, as I stay off the “should a, would a, could a†highway. Yet it is only one thought away from taking over my mind. I am tired of having to fight this every single day.
7. Not accepting myself. I am so very hard on myself, setting a standard that is light years beyond what I would expect out of anyone else. And when I do not achieve perfection, I take that as a sign I am not a valuable person. This is getting very old. And I am tired of having to spend much energy reminding myself of my value, not as a title, but just me, by myself, flaws and fantastic abilities combined into me.

I start with my new in-network therapist on Wednesday.

I want to be optimistic about the change, but all I see this morning is more work, and I am getting tired of that. But I know myself well enough to understand that I will go to the appointment and do the work required. Even if I do not give myself credit, at some level I know I get things done.

If I could add one more thing, I am tired of, it would be not writing.

Lately, other things have pushed and shoved their way into my head, grabbing my attention and keeping me from writing. OK, I am giving these things more attention and significance that am giving myself. When I do not write, I do not grow. Writing is one of my best self-care activities. When I miss even two or three days, it is like a lifetime.

READ MORE: I don’t often see it, but I always have a choice

Making a list of the things I am tired of is my way of getting them out into the open.

Depression wants me to just suffer in silence and not make a big deal about what it perceives to be important actions I should (or shouldn’t) be taking. It likes it when my head is cloudy, and my sense of self-worth is in the toilet.

Today I will focus on valuing myself, as I am, tired or not.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.†I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.