Photo by Valentino Funghi on Unsplash
The truth is, I should be thankful I am still here.
Celebrating Memorial Day this year marks 5 years since I spent 4 days in 5 East. From that experience, I am still finding out new things about my depression. For instance, did you know that my depression can hold its breath for 7 minutes underwater? Well, neither did I. But it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true.
My depression is crafty and surprises me often.
Just when I begin to think I have figured out my depression, it pulls out a new trick. Lately, it has been working on my sense of fun. Well, it’s been working on my ability to feel happy for some time. Thinking back, it could be years since I’ve felt genuinely happy. But I fake it, and, at that moment, it seems to work.
Thinking about it, is there a difference between faking happy and being happy?
I’m no longer convinced that there is a difference between feeling happy and faking feeling happy. Either way, projecting happy can evoke happy thoughts even if you are faking being happy. Boy, that’s a bunch of words and I am not sure if I am saying what I am thinking.
The point is I am 5 years removed from being hospitalized for major depressive disorder, with suicidal ideation.
It has been at least 6 months since I have had a suicidal thought. And even then, it was just a fleeting thought. With the exception of one time during my “lost year,†all of my suicidal thoughts have just been passing considerations. And even that one exception, over 45 years ago, was a non-starter. I couldn’t go through with it.
As I have said, I use my mindfulness training when these suicidal thoughts occur. I visualize the thought on a leaf. It is floating down a stream. Then the leaf, and the suicidal thought, round the bend in the stream and disappear.
Most of my suicidal thoughts come first thing in the morning, while I am on the toilet.
And once this thought has not been engaged, this rest of the day is suicidal thought free. And as I said, it has been many months since I have even had one of these thoughts. This morning, it occurred to me that this was the case.
So, it is the Thursday before Memorial Day.
Tuesday, I put the flag on the mailbox. Our mailbox is ½ a mile from our house. Many years ago, I drilled a hole in the top of our wooden mailbox pole. And every holiday, I put the flag up on the mailbox. I also hang our large flag on one of the front porch columns.
It looks official, but only one neighbor and their friends ever see it. They are further away from the mailbox than we are and the road ends at their property. But all the same, it makes me feel readyâ€. It could be this feeling is the same as my “faking happiness feeling.†I know very few people will see the flag on the front porch, but I know it is there.
