I am Just Not Good Enough

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Yesterday I read an article whose theme was “I am just not good enough.”

This piqued my curiosity, as I have been wondering if I am just not good enough for a while.  The core of the article centered around the definition of perfectionism. It turns out that, according to the author, perfectionism isn’t about setting high, often impossible standards.

Perfectionism is really about fear, and the idea that “you’re just not good enough.”

“Perfectionism at its core isn’t about high standards. It’s about fear. Fear of failure. Fear of looking stupid, fear of making a mistake, fear of being judged, criticized, and ridiculed. It’s the fear that one simple fact might be true: You’re just not good enough.”

I get the fear issue.

Throughout my life I have dealt with fear in one form or another. As Napolean Hill would say. I was fearful about “what they would say.” And like Napolean Hill, I never found out who THEY were. Yet this fear of what they will say is a shield we can hide behind. It protects us from outing ourselves out there. If we do something out of the norm, we could look stupid, or be judged, or criticized.

And in the end, we might decide, “I am not good enough.”  

I know for sure that I have used this line of thinking to delay or never start projects. Who wants to be out there doing something others might say is ridiculous? And why should I be the one doing it? Even if my idea has merit, like writing my first book, others could do it better.

It was 15 years from the time I wrote my first note, until I seriously went after writing and publishing my first book.

I justified my taking 15 years to get it started because I had small children. Yet there were so many other things I did during that time. Having small children was a shield I could hide behind. It justified my not starting the more formal process of writing. And this excuse protected me from possibly thinking that “I am just not good enough.”

Once I finally got past my fear, the process of drafting the book took less than 18 months.

This time included hiring an editor to review, correct, suggest, and finally spell check my work. This made writing the second book less scary. I was able to see through all the fears that had, for 15 years, kept me from writing my first book. I was able to see the value for potential readers as I put the ideas down.

And both of my books are still being sold by Amazon. (See Book 1 at Amazon) (See book 2 at Amazon)

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. And much of my life has been lived without the overriding fear of failure. But once I looked closer, I could see my reality was way different than the 20,000-foot view I was showing myself. I had a picture of what I looked like, that now seems different from reality.

Had I seen the reality of what I was attempting to do, i.e. writing two books, I probably would not have attempted it.

The fear of what they might say was at ground level. I could see that I was afraid of failure, of being thought of as ridiculous or even stupid. It was my fear of failure that drove me to make excuses about what I would ultimately do.

I was, and still am, afraid of success.

Several years ago, shortly after my time in 5 East, I flew to Chicago for the 25^th anniversary meeting of SMART Recovery. There I met a comedian who was one of the featured speakers. His message about fear was that it wasn’t fear of failure that kept us from going after our dreams.

It was the fear of success, of being massively successful.

I know this has been true for me over the years. In my career, I have been on the brink of massive success and then my depression would say, “things are going to well.” Then I would hear the plug being pulled that kept the water in the bathtub. Shortly after that, I was circling the drain. And watching for the abyss.

Somehow, I knew that my depression would make an entrance at some point.

But then my mind goes to the question of whether I back away from success because I have depression, or I back away from success and that causes my depression. I guess, in the end, it doesn’t matter all that much. Either way, I have depression and it comes out nearly every time I start to feel successful.

It really comes down to a fear of success.

I am not worth it. That becomes the overriding issue. I do not love myself, nor think I am worthy of my own love. Now other people, I always give the benefit of the doubt. I see everyone as deserving of a break, a second chance, time to get up to speed. And it takes a lot for me to decide that they are not doing the right things.

But this is different than how I treat myself.

I am very strict with myself and do not let myself get away with much. Even how I project myself to the outside world is controlled by my fears. “I am just not good enough” is the anchor holding me in place. If I were to pull it up, I might be judged. I could possibly set myself up for ridicule and fail in front of everyone.

Worse, I could be a success and then I would need to find a way to justify that.

So, by not loving myself, I can avoid having to be fearful about what they will think. I think it for them, “I am just not good enough.” Others have so much more experience, have more time working with the ideas I wanted to write about in my first book.

Anyone knows more about the subject than I do, was what I would say to myself.

And anyone could be a better source and be more knowledgeable than I am. Even though, by then, I had almost 30 years of on the ground, day to day, management experience. Yet even when writing my book, I made sure to cover myself by adding that this book will “Teach you to manage using what you already know.”

I wasn’t confident in myself or my abilities.

What I was certain about was I was afraid people would see that I am a phony, that I do not have anything important to say. And that I was silly to have pretended to be an expert about management. How could I say that what I was thinking and writing about was worthy of attention?

And I really had to stretch my neck out to make my book come true.

There is a bit of pride in finally writing my two books and getting them published. But this pride is fleeting and never lasts. Very soon, I begin to remind myself that others know way more than me. This leads to “how in the heck can I think I am qualified to write a book on management. After all, my journey has been full of learning experiences.

Learning experiences is just me putting a positive spin on my failures.

If I can see that I don’t deserve to be considered an expert on the subject, it is only a matter of time before everyone sees that I am a fraud, that I do not deserve whatever recognition comes from my books. So, I am fearful of success, of having to, in my mind, justify that I know what I know.

All this talk of fear sounds sad.

And I have been feeling sad for years. Or at least not happy. I have just been ok. And many times, ok has been enough. I have said that I am not looking for unicorns and rainbows. My goal is to be a bit better than ok.  I understand that means highs and lows, which I am ready for and would appreciate. And I have no illusions of feeling great all the time.

I am just looking to, as SMART Recovery says, “lead a balanced life with my depression.”

In my mind, I am still “just not good enough.” With focus, I can change this way of thinking for brief moments. And I can envision new, more daring projects. But this is quickly erased by the fear of not doing it to perfection. The more I work with the idea, the more I can see that I am a perfectionist who can’t admit that he is a perfectionist.

And perfectionism is a way to stay away from possible ridicule.

This means I am right back where I started as I began writing about the great article I read yesterday. I feel that all I have done is make myself even more fearful because now I see that my newfound perfectionism is just my fear in disguise. And I already had understood that my fear is more success conscious than a fear of what they will say.

But the fear of what they might say is a solid shield that I still hide behind.

Taking a moment to check why my phone is vibrating off the hook, I saw the latest email from Peter Shankman. He helped guide me as I was beginning my resume writing career some 14 years ago. The email centered around doing the right thing. He ended by saying, “Just keep doing good, despite how much publicity is received by those who don’t seem to.”

I always want to do good and was brought up that way.

My doing the right thing has cost me at times, including making sure my salary was correct after depression and I have left the company and returned the first time. By asking the question, I was set back 5K, which took several years to recover. Rather than assuming what the payroll clerk had done, I asked the question. I thought it was the right thing to do.

And it cost me.

But even my depression felt it was the right thing to do and I would ask again if it ever came up. So, I am not fearful when the outcome is not well defined. Or maybe I am sticking my nose into things I should have left alone. Or perhaps I am just justifying my choice. I can do that when I feel I need to.

So, in the end, I need to find a way past “I am just not good enough.”

I must figure out a way to love myself, and not let myself be guided by fear. I started this journey in April of 2019. And I am still learning more about myself and my relationship with my depression all the time. Now that I see where fear fits into the equation, I can work on that, too.

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