• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact

“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

Turnaround
You are here: Home / Featured Home / I Do Not Give A Hoot Today

I Do Not Give A Hoot Today

May 29, 2020 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

Unhelpful thinking about depression makes me not give a hoot

But I really want to care.

Somehow, I need to jump-start my recovery again. All I seem to do is to be going sideways.

I am not allowing myself to be honest about what is going on inside me. This puts me back to being “evergreen,” not letting my depression show. I do this at a great cost to myself.

So, I am beginning to see how much damage depression can cause when I am not on top of it.

Already today I have squandered the time available to me, or so I think. The reality is, I have spent 15 minutes getting caught up on family goings-on, have paid the bills, hung out the bird feeders, and have put the first washed load of laundry in the dryer and started a second load in the washer.

Oh, and I had breakfast, which included slipping my dog a few honey nut cheerios.

But besides that, I have not done anything this morning.  I am incredibly good at using unhelpful thinking to justify my not giving a hoot. Minimizing all that I have accomplished in just over an hour, I hear myself saying “You should be doing more, you lazy so and so.” This self-talk is mostly in the background, like a white noise you would turn on to drown out others sounds for sleeping.

Yet minimizing all that I have already completed thins morning is what I end up doing.

There is no victory dance for the many things I have already gotten done. No celebration that I have a job that allows me to pay the bills. There is no acknowledgment or thanks for the fact that I am not one of the 25+ million people in the US out of work because of the pandemic.

My mindset is on DULL, which is sliding me further back into concealed depression.

And to think, I was worried a few months ago that things were going along too well. I felt guilty for feeling more normal. I was on the way to leading a balanced life and then I began to feel that I did not deserve it. Now that is not what I say to myself, but internally, that is how I am feeling.

READ: Feeling cloudy may only be seasonal allergies, not a relapse into depression

I am trying not to reward depression for getting me into concealment mode.

It has already worked to make me feel like I do not deserve success. My depression has once again snatched defeat, from the jaws of victory. Or the other way around. And I continue to let depression do that too me. Here is where I go down the shoulda, coulda, woulda trail. At least I recognize that unhelpful thinking style and draw the line. But often, it is already too late.

I plant the seeds of failure every time I go down that path.

Like weeds that want to take over my vegetable garden, I must be constantly tilling the ground to keep this type of thinking from establishing a foothold. Plucking a few weeds from the garden is easy but wait a while and weeding can be a full-time event.

Even as I work on this, I know what today will look like.

I will put on my “everything is fine” face and head out to work. I will masquerade as a trained professional without a care in the world. My staff will only see the most positive side of me that I can bring to the table. I will give them absolutely no reason to feel that I am anything but competent and in control.

They will never know that underneath, I am depressed and do not give a hoot.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. 

I very much appreciate your comments.

Filed Under: Covid19, Featured Home, My life goes on, Self Care, Unhelpful thinking, What depression has cost me Tagged With: concealed depression, Coping Statements for Depression, depression, depression and anxiety, depression is not my boss, give a hoot, pandemic, unhealthy thinking styles, Unhelpful thinking, unhelpful thinking styles

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

Get my latest posts, (your email is never sold or rented)

I developed a 38 Page Mental Health Tools Flipbook. Complete the Form and Get Your Free Copy Now.

Privacy Policy

Discover Self-Care, Coping Strategies, Understand Anxiety, Track your Triggers, Mood, and Sleep; Recap Therapy Sessions, and more.

https://myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Am I Able to Be Happier, to Feel Joy?

January 24, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Depression almost kept me from summiting mount Kilimanjaro with unhelpful, all or nothing thinking

What Made Depression Almost Keep Me From Summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro?

January 21, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Mosaic 250x250
Blog Meets Brand
Your Page Title

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • Is My Anxiety Because I Am Still Unpacking from Africa?
  • Am I Able to Be Happier, to Feel Joy?
  • What Made Depression Almost Keep Me From Summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro?
  • 3 Years and 9 Months After Admitting Depression, I Can Say Merry Christmas
  • What I Learned Having Skin Cancer Removed from My Face

Search

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma