I Want To Think I Can, But Depression Has Me Feeling I Cannot

I don’t get it, why am I feeling so average, so run-of-the-mill?

From a big picture perspective, things are going great. The job is exciting as I am getting to do a lot of teaching. I’m planning again, not just hoping to make it through the day.  My daily to-do list is getting longer, which is something I thrive on. And even as Covid ramps up yet again, I am going to see my grandson in person next month. What could be better than all of that?

While the big picture is almost idyllic, down on the ground I am plodding along.

I am going through the motions, chugging along mostly on autopilot. While I am steering the truck, I am only keeping it between the lines. Well, this is true when it comes to how I am feeling. It’s more than plodding, it’s: tedious, slow-moving, labored, dull, ponderous, trudging, slogging, traipsing, lumbering, and treading warily.  What am I thinking that keeps me in this state?

It feels like I am back to doing the same thing every day but expecting a different result.

Holy cow! I must be crazy. Now I know saying that is not PC, and negative self-talk is not constructive. For the past 28 months, I have focused on NOT letting myself make negative statements about myself or my abilities. You will never catch me saying, “I’m not good at …” But I know that even I have negative thoughts.

Despite that, my motto is, “I love getting up in the morning because I learn something new every day.”

I am not surprised when it happens, and I am pretty good at recognizing the learning and calling it out. The bigger surprise is often when the learning occurs. Almost always, I learn something new as I work with others. Another place where I am learning is when I am reading. Most of what I read is non-fiction, but authors share insights regardless of what they are writing about.

This all leads me back to “what am I learning as I feel so average?”

Trudging along is not the same thing as exploration. Plodding is not the same thing as examining. When I wake up in the morning, the day is full of promise. What is it that has me branding the day as ho-hum? Where does the idea come from that today’s interactions are going to be at best, average? What keeps me from envisioning fun?

“Whether you think you can, or whether you think you cannot, you are right!”

Thomas Edison

And right now, I am thinking that I cannot have fun. I just had a flashback to a blog post I wrote months ago. In it, depression made me think that if I turned on the radio while I was driving, that I would come home, and my house would be on fire. Read: I stopped playing music when I’m driving. The silence was all I deserved, or so it seemed.

This is negative self-talk, the kind I said I never do.

And there I go using all or nothing thinking. Next, I will be catastrophizing by thinking that this is a sign that I am going back to the abyss. Depression loves this kind of thinking. All I need at times is a little push from depression and I am soon wallowing in my own crapulence. Thwarting depression’s schemes was getting easier. I have new tools and coping skills, peer support, and a WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).

So why am I not using all the resources I have available to me?

I think I am going to need to think about this, so I can understand why I am thinking this way.