Photo by mauro mora on Unsplash
It turns out that I don’t even know when the last time was that I sat down and wrote out my thoughts and feelings.
I wish I had made the time as I know that my depression is in the wings, waiting for me. I could slip up and be back near the abyss based on my lack of focus. This lack of focus is different than just not deciding about what to do next. More and more, I feel myself doing more and more.
But is busy the same as fulfilled?
And should I even be worrying about what and when I write? Yes, working through issues, concerns, and feelings is why I write. And I write to keep my depression in full view. Letting my depression slink around the a corner, can have brutal consequences. Having shared almost 60 years with depression, I am finally beginning to admit this to myself.
Yet as I think about it, I am doing a better job of recognizing tools my depression uses to get my attention.
It is not just getting my attention depression excels at, it is how it works behind the scenes to make its newest scheme become mine. And by having me be secretive, depression puts just the right spin on events. The stronger my depression becomes, the less I trust the outside world. After all, I have my depression to talk to.
And my depression keeps adding to the pressure by employing different unhelpful thinking styles.
I can’t imagine how many times I have been a time traveler. I jump into the future and become anxious about what might happen. And then I find myself in the past wallowing in self-pity over all the mistakes I made. Or mistakes I think I made, or mistakes someone else made that depression has me thinking were somehow my fault.
So, if I want a reason for not writing recently, my depression can give me dozens.
And it’s not like depression has any trouble getting me to take the bait. I am so accustomed to depressions antics, that when I hear jump, my first thought is how high? But in the end, I control my attitude towards not writing. Being too busy getting other things done is, perhaps, a good thing.
Especially if what I am getting done are things that matter to me.
Or is my being too busy to write just an excuse because I have not prioritized what is important? I read an article in Medium this morning and the author was sharing a list of ways to be more productive. One item struck a nerve with me.
Stop multi-tasking, focus on one thing at a time and it will be done.
Ok, that’s my paraphrase of what she wrote, but you get the idea. I have noticed that often my best successes come when I am focusing all my energy on one goal. But in my day-to-day life, I give the impression that I am busy multi-tasking, I am getting things done. For instance at work, I always have something to write on should the need arise.
And while this could be a sign of multi-tasking waiting to happen, it is also a sign of preparedness.
Not writing because I am too busy is me prioritizing other activities. And by doing so, I am getting those things done at the expense of my writing. In the first months after my 4 days at 5 East, I did not miss a day of journaling (blogging). Writing to understand my new relationship with my depression was everything.
Journaling was my link to a balanced life with depression.
Writing is still a key component of my continued relationship with depression. I write, often, to keep my depression out in the open where I can see it. Once I begin to internalize events, I start isolating myself and begin to be secretive. This leads to me circling the drain on my way to the abyss.
Today, I renew my focus on writing to more fully understand my relationship with my depression.
Are you too busy doing something? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment below. And please share this with others who may benefit from it.
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