• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact

“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

End Child Anxiety
You are here: Home / Depression / Is My Depression Keeping Me from The Finish Line?

Is My Depression Keeping Me from The Finish Line?

July 13, 2022 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

depression is keeping me from my to-do list

Or as I am surmising, there is no finish line.

But for certain activities, or events, there is a conclusion. Then why is it I feel as if it is never ending, and I am always one step from completing the challenge? Days turn into nights. The day ends and the night begins. This is very basic stuff.

So why am I having trouble visualizing me crossing the finish line for my own initiatives?

This morning I am more certain than ever that I understand why someone might say “I am not going to push that same rock up the same hill ever again.” This attitude could be viewed as selfish. Or it could be thought of as the ultimate act of self-care.

These ideas can quickly become catalyst for action.

And this can lead to non-changeable decisions. Having been there, I am not judging.  Somedays, my hill seems like a vertical cliff, and my stone is a boulder the size of Manhattan. Recently, my stone has been more of a pebble and the hill seems like a gradual slope, where the incline is almost unnoticeable. (Read more – FRANK KING)

I am thankful for all the reasons why this is true.

Yet I understand it is my efforts, my decisions, my medication psychiatrist efforts, and my entire group of supporters, that keeps the boulder small. So why am I worrying about finishing a few milestones I have set for myself? What is keeping me from accepting that these are not reachable? Or at least seeing that the goal posts keep moving?

I want others to understand that I do all I do despite my depression.

This isn’t a license for me to justify stopping short of my goals. I keep going each day towards my goals. But keeping up with me, step-by-step are unhelpful thoughts thrown in my path by my depression. These often distract me from focusing on my projects. This leads to me deciding, I can get to it tomorrow.

I put off pushing against depressions ideas, somehow still confident that tomorrow I will not feel depressions pull and I can do everything I had planned.

For example, wanting to help others, I have started a letter several times to the director of 5 east. I want to share my story with others to let them know their future may be different than their current situations. Yet I never get past the first few paragraphs. Then it occurs to me that I could just call and introduce myself.

But I decide to work on that just as I decide that I need to get ready for work, thereby giving me an excuse to do it another day.

Nagging at me recently are the results of my decision, with depressions assistance, to retire early. All the 30+ years of planning went out the window in an afternoon. This turned into the deepest trip into the abyss I had taken.

The good from this is that I am finally facing my depression.

What is not so good is that I now feel like I need to “make up” for the decision I made almost 40 months ago. I need to be transparent, open and “share my feelings” about ideas. Plus, I feel responsible for fixing my relationships with those I’m sure I hurt as I circled the drain and spiraled into the abyss.

Even knowing the whole thing incudes my relationship with my depression, I feel alone and responsible, for I made the decision.

I can see the finish line, even though it is 25 years in the future. And I want to do everything I can to push that even further away. Knowing I cannot control that, I know I can make the best decisions about how I will approach my life. I can control the day-to-day decisions about how I will think about events.

Feeling as if I must make up for everything doesn’t seem like the best course of action for me.

I understand apologizing and have done that often. It turns out that many of those I am apologizing to are the same ones who told me how proud they were of me for seeking professional medical attention.  

Instead of feeling proud that I acted, I feel shame and guilt for letting people down.

Now the change triangle is creeping into my thoughts. I see inhibiting actions on my part. How can I move forward, completing new projects, such as letting people know how sorry I am that my decisions may have affected them, if I get tangled up in unhelpful thinking and cannot move forward?

I wish (hope) that this would change, but it doesn’t.

So, I will continue to look to the future and each of the finish lines I have set for myself. And I will allow for a bit of self-care as I approach each one. I won’t beat myself up quite as much or feel quite so guilty for the shame I feel in not doing better.

Boy that was a mouthful.

And even as I write it, the future is not likely to change. But what can change is my attitude towards the future. I keep reminding myself that it is the one thing I can control. And I ought to get to controlling it. Being present is hard for me. Staying in the moment is a way to control my thoughts and feelings. Doing this takes time travel out of the picture.

This reminds me that “I have depression, depression does not have me.”

Filed Under: Change Triangle, Depression, Facts and myths about mental illness, Featured Home, Guilt and Shame, Mental Health, Self Care, Suicide & Self-Harm, Time Travel, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: Change Triangle, depression, feeling guilty, finish line, guilt and shame, mental health, unhealthy thinking styles

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

https://myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4

Get my latest posts, (your email is never sold or rented)

I developed a 38 Page Mental Health Tools Flipbook. Complete the Form and Get Your Free Copy Now.

Privacy Policy

Discover Self-Care, Coping Strategies, Understand Anxiety, Track your Triggers, Mood, and Sleep; Recap Therapy Sessions, and more.

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Depression has me catastrophizing instead of celebrating my CPAP results

My Depression Has Me Catastrophizing Instead of Fixing My Sleep Problem

March 19, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Flomax or Wellbutrin, or Prozac have helped and also made it harder to get out of bed with a CPAP machine and depression

Why Am I Having Trouble Getting Out of Bed Again?

March 17, 2023 By Depression Is Not My Boss

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Mosaic 250x250
Blog Meets Brand
Your Page Title
Best Self Improvement & Personal Development Blogs - OnToplist.com
RSS Search
sitepromotiondirectory.com latest-links

Blog posts that go back to my 5 East time almost 4 years ago

  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • I’m Gaining Weight – Can I Blame My Depression?
  • My Depression Has Me Catastrophizing Instead of Fixing My Sleep Problem
  • Why Am I Having Trouble Getting Out of Bed Again?
  • I Feel That I Am Missing Something Important
  • Why Must My Depression Decide What I Really Want or Need?

Search

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma