Is My Depression Keeping Me from The Finish Line?

Or as I am surmising, there is no finish line.

But for certain activities, or events, there is a conclusion. Then why is it I feel as if it is never ending, and I am always one step from completing the challenge? Days turn into nights. The day ends and the night begins. This is very basic stuff.

So why am I having trouble visualizing me crossing the finish line for my own initiatives?

This morning I am more certain than ever that I understand why someone might say “I am not going to push that same rock up the same hill ever again.” This attitude could be viewed as selfish. Or it could be thought of as the ultimate act of self-care.

These ideas can quickly become catalyst for action.

And this can lead to non-changeable decisions. Having been there, I am not judging.  Somedays, my hill seems like a vertical cliff, and my stone is a boulder the size of Manhattan. Recently, my stone has been more of a pebble and the hill seems like a gradual slope, where the incline is almost unnoticeable. (Read more – FRANK KING)

I am thankful for all the reasons why this is true.

Yet I understand it is my efforts, my decisions, my medication psychiatrist efforts, and my entire group of supporters, that keeps the boulder small. So why am I worrying about finishing a few milestones I have set for myself? What is keeping me from accepting that these are not reachable? Or at least seeing that the goal posts keep moving?

I want others to understand that I do all I do despite my depression.

This isn’t a license for me to justify stopping short of my goals. I keep going each day towards my goals. But keeping up with me, step-by-step are unhelpful thoughts thrown in my path by my depression. These often distract me from focusing on my projects. This leads to me deciding, I can get to it tomorrow.

I put off pushing against depressions ideas, somehow still confident that tomorrow I will not feel depressions pull and I can do everything I had planned.

For example, wanting to help others, I have started a letter several times to the director of 5 east. I want to share my story with others to let them know their future may be different than their current situations. Yet I never get past the first few paragraphs. Then it occurs to me that I could just call and introduce myself.

But I decide to work on that just as I decide that I need to get ready for work, thereby giving me an excuse to do it another day.

Nagging at me recently are the results of my decision, with depressions assistance, to retire early. All the 30+ years of planning went out the window in an afternoon. This turned into the deepest trip into the abyss I had taken.

The good from this is that I am finally facing my depression.

What is not so good is that I now feel like I need to “make up” for the decision I made almost 40 months ago. I need to be transparent, open and “share my feelings” about ideas. Plus, I feel responsible for fixing my relationships with those I’m sure I hurt as I circled the drain and spiraled into the abyss.

Even knowing the whole thing incudes my relationship with my depression, I feel alone and responsible, for I made the decision.

I can see the finish line, even though it is 25 years in the future. And I want to do everything I can to push that even further away. Knowing I cannot control that, I know I can make the best decisions about how I will approach my life. I can control the day-to-day decisions about how I will think about events.

Feeling as if I must make up for everything doesn’t seem like the best course of action for me.

I understand apologizing and have done that often. It turns out that many of those I am apologizing to are the same ones who told me how proud they were of me for seeking professional medical attention.  

Instead of feeling proud that I acted, I feel shame and guilt for letting people down.

Now the change triangle is creeping into my thoughts. I see inhibiting actions on my part. How can I move forward, completing new projects, such as letting people know how sorry I am that my decisions may have affected them, if I get tangled up in unhelpful thinking and cannot move forward?

I wish (hope) that this would change, but it doesn’t.

So, I will continue to look to the future and each of the finish lines I have set for myself. And I will allow for a bit of self-care as I approach each one. I won’t beat myself up quite as much or feel quite so guilty for the shame I feel in not doing better.

Boy that was a mouthful.

And even as I write it, the future is not likely to change. But what can change is my attitude towards the future. I keep reminding myself that it is the one thing I can control. And I ought to get to controlling it. Being present is hard for me. Staying in the moment is a way to control my thoughts and feelings. Doing this takes time travel out of the picture.

This reminds me that “I have depression, depression does not have me.”