Why am I a Whirling Dervish?

Today I have all of these random thoughts swirling around in my head.

Will writing them down calm them? Let’s try.

• I’ve got to have this figured out RIGHT NOW. It’s not ok for me to not already have a plan in place. This is not normal for me and is very uncomfortable. It is causing me to be anxious. That anxiousness is clouding my judgment and is keeping me from seeing other options.
• My mind is jumping from place to place, like a whirling dervish. Do this, think about that, do not think about that. I need to slow down my thinking and get one thing going at a time. Spraying my thoughts all over the landscape is not helping me see options in a clear light.
• It is ok not to have all the answers. That is what conventional wisdom is telling me. But my gut is dragging me off into the “I’ve got to have the answers now” camp.
• I need to be mindful of all or nothing thinking. Every idea I develop needs to be put through the “Unhealthy Thinking Style” checklist. This will keep me from obsessing on something that is limiting and not realistic.
• What I can see as options today are not the full scope of things I can consider. And by only seeing the worst possible scenarios, I am creating a negative spiral of gloom and doom that is keeping me from seeing that there are options that make sense and have a high probability of success. Taking it one day at a time would be better than pushing, pushing, pushing to find a quick fix solution. After all, it took me 63 years to get to this point in my life, and to expect to find the answer in a week is unrealistic.
• Am I repeating myself? It seems like it at times. There are only so many ways to think about what I have done and so the answers to why can get clumped up.
• Depression is not my boss. “I have depression, but it does not have me.” As I say, I am still torn because I am the one who made the decisions. Maybe it is the depression talking, but it is still my actions that have brought me to this point. My actions. How do I know what choices I would have made if I did not have depression? I hope that I would have thought through more options and not let my pride get in the way of asking for help. And maybe I wouldn’t have got hung up in unhealthy thinking styles that limited my choices, that pushed me up against the wall.
• How should I talk about my life? How can I share what I am learning in a positive way? This is one of the things I am bouncing around. As I look at options for my future, what role does my talking about depression play? Is it something I can share when asked, share in a forum or share in a preachy way? Preachy is out! But what about the blog I have started? Who is this helping? Will it always be so negative? What do I want people to feel when they read my writing? So far, I think I have been writing to me. The experiences I have had are what define me. Or what I do when faced with these experiences is what defines me.
• Being afraid to face the truth about your past decisions is keeping you a prisoner of your past. The key to a better future is to face each of these issues and take the necessary steps to address them. Knowing that the depression is going to throw up red flags, scary thinking, all or nothing scenarios, is a key component of the process. Being ready for those thoughts, watching for them, and then having a plan to deal with them is key to success.
• You are skirting around issues and ideas. You are using generalizations and not calling things as they are. This needs to be addressed if you are going to fix this for the long-term. Maybe today it is not such a big deal, but then again, maybe it is. If you cannot name what is bothering you, how can you fix it? Beating back depression is an over-arching theme, but what specific steps can you take to do it? Can you make a list of things you need to address and then tackle them one at a time? Does this make sense? Can you do that? Will you do that? What happens if you do not do that?
• You can’t even close your dresser drawer all the way. You leave things open, to see what else may come. You do that at the same time you drive ideas into the ground as you get so focused on one idea that you cannot see any others. I know you have had thoughts about this before. I know you have noticed that you are never quite satisfied. There is always just one more thing.
• In the hospital, the Lead Psychiatrist asked me about that. He asked, “how much is enough?” I did not have an answer, but the question smacked me right in the face. I earned four different resume certifications because I wanted to be seen as an authority. The sad truth was, my experience had already done that. I just have not seen myself as worthy of the title.
• “I am good enough” has not really been a thing for me. At least, on the inside. I have spent my entire life building a positive, forward-facing persona that inspires others. I have learned so much from so many that have helped make me who I am. Yet on the inside, I am still craving validation that I am somebody. Not somebody who is a business professional, not somebody who is a father, husband, sibling. Facing “I am good enough,” when I get there, means finally being an adult. It means, for all my flaws and success, I am proud of who I am. “I am good enough.”
• One more random thought. Some of these ideas are written as “you.” What does that mean when I am not saying “I” did this or I think this way? I statements are a better way to share feelings. Does this way of writing mean I am not taking responsibility? Or is it less ominous than that, just a way to tell my story? While I’m not sure, I know recognizing that I have done that is important.

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