I mean it makes sense that it would help.
Yet I have made excuses to stop going even after I had fought to get one therapist into my insurance network. I was paying out of pocket and had already called my health insurance provider once about getting him to be in-network. I finally got the nerve to call again after I had spent $115 for each of the 4 sessions.
Doing the math, I am spending a lot of money.
Especially when I was able to get the therapist into my network, where my deductible was $15. I finally found someone who would listen. She did some research and found a way I could see him with my insurance paying for each session.
Of course, within 6 months I had figured out a way to stop attending sessions.
We were meeting virtually. That was ok and I was learning about myself. I had switched from my previous talk therapist because I felt I wasn’t learning anything. In fact, using virtual appointments and the video off, I made up in my head that she was doing a crossword puzzle instead of paying attention to me.
While I am certain this is not true, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t learning anything about myself and my relationship with depression.
So, instead of talking to her about it, I made up my mind to go back to the therapist that I felt was teaching me things. And as I just told you, I was able to sabotage that relationship within a few months.
There must be something about talk therapy that makes me exhibit fright or flight, and I choose flight.
I tell myself that I am moving towards something or someone who is better equipped to help me. But in reality, I must not be hearing what is being said. Or I am afraid of what the session may uncover. It doesn’t seem to be that difficult to open up and share how I feel, but I have had so little practice.
I would make a terrific reporter.
“Just the facts” as Jack Webb would say on Dragnet. Facts are what I cling to. They can be supportive or disruptive, but they are facts nonetheless. With facts I don’t have to hear someone say, “so how does that make you feel?”
Maybe that’s the rub, with talk therapy, there is a chance I will feel something.
I just don’t have enough training in my feelings to let this happen. So, for now, I will find I am too busy to call the 800 number provided by my insurance company to find a new talk therapist. Maybe I can after the family vacation, or maybe after I get the property mowed. I am good at thinking up excuses not to call.
