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End Child Anxiety

“I Live With Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning About It.

You are here: Home / Featured Home / Am I Afraid of Talk Therapy to Beat My Depression?

Am I Afraid of Talk Therapy to Beat My Depression?

September 12, 2022 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

AM I AFRAID TO TRY TALK therapy AS A WAY TO LEAD A BALANCED LIFE WITH DEPRESSION

Photo by Finn on Unsplash

I mean it makes sense that it would help.

Yet I have made excuses to stop going even after I had fought to get one therapist into my insurance network. I was paying out of pocket and had already called my health insurance provider once about getting him to be in-network. I finally got the nerve to call again after I had spent $115 for each of the 4 sessions.

Doing the math, I am spending a lot of money.

Especially when I was able to get the therapist into my network, where my deductible was $15. I finally found someone who would listen. She did some research and found a way I could see him with my insurance paying for each session.

Of course, within 6 months I had figured out a way to stop attending sessions.

We were meeting virtually. That was ok and I was learning about myself. I had switched from my previous talk therapist because I felt I wasn’t learning anything. In fact, using virtual appointments and the video off, I made up in my head that she was doing a crossword puzzle instead of paying attention to me.

While I am certain this is not true, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t learning anything about myself and my relationship with depression.

So, instead of talking to her about it, I made up my mind to go back to the therapist that I felt was teaching me things. And as I just told you, I was able to sabotage that relationship within a few months.

There must be something about talk therapy that makes me exhibit fright or flight, and I choose flight.

I tell myself that I am moving towards something or someone who is better equipped to help me. But in reality, I must not be hearing what is being said. Or I am afraid of what the session may uncover. It doesn’t seem to be that difficult to open up and share how I feel, but I have had so little practice.

I would make a terrific reporter.

“Just the facts” as Jack Webb would say on Dragnet. Facts are what I cling to. They can be supportive or disruptive, but they are facts nonetheless. With facts I don’t have to hear someone say, “so how does that make you feel?”

Maybe that’s the rub, with talk therapy, there is a chance I will feel something.

I just don’t have enough training in my feelings to let this happen. So, for now, I will find I am too busy to call the 800 number provided by my insurance company to find a new talk therapist. Maybe I can after the family vacation, or maybe after I get the property mowed. I am good at thinking up excuses not to call.

For now, I will continue to work on leading a balanced life with depression, while not going to talk therapy.

Filed Under: Depression, Facts and myths about mental illness, Featured Home, Mental Health, therapy, Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: concealed depression, depression, depression and anxiety, talk therapy, unhealthy thinking styles, unhelpful thinking styles

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I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

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