My Concealed Depression

My thoughts on my lifetime of Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation.

On Our Own, C'Ville

Hurry Up And Wait

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I don’t understand why things seem so hard right now. Once again, I am so close to the finish line, but I cannot get past it. I can see the end from here. I knowwhat it would feel like, how it would smell. Heck, I even know what it would taste like. But I am stuckhere, twiddling my thumbs, as I wait for something to happen. Having been in a holding pattern for a while, … [Read more...] about Hurry Up And Wait

STILL OK, NOT SAD, NOT MAD, JUST OK

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I just left my weekly therapy appointment. As I went in, I wondered how long I have just felt OK. And how long have I been thinking about this? This must have been going on for years. And I may have made up a reason for this happening. If I did not have one, my depression would have stepped in and added its own color commentary. I first heard someone say, " It must be the … [Read more...] about STILL OK, NOT SAD, NOT MAD, JUST OK

What Makes Me Choose to Live with Depression?

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Photo by Marten Bjork on Unsplash Choosing not to live with depression is, for me, choosing suicide. Because of my family history, I see that I either learn to face depression and live with it, or check out. And my one instance of contemplating checking out occurred almost 50 years ago. Since then, I have understood that I am more afraid of death than I am of living with … [Read more...] about What Makes Me Choose to Live with Depression?

There’s a Lot Going On, So Is Being OK, OK?

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Unsplash I am amazed at the changes the last month has brought. A month ago, I had just returned from trekking in the Grand Canyon. Things were better than OK, the family was great, and I had just booked a flight up north for Thanksgiving. Work was good, and I was getting to use the wood stove some mornings to take the chill out of the living room. And then stuff hit … [Read more...] about There’s a Lot Going On, So Is Being OK, OK?

Talk Therapy And I Have A Rocky Relationship

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Unsplash I think of my attempts at talk therapy as if I was dating someone for the first time. There is that honeymoon period where you are getting to know each other. And this part is different from therapy, for with dating, I am allowed to choose from anyone, not just people on a list. However, I suppose a list of therapists that have openings is similar to a dating … [Read more...] about Talk Therapy And I Have A Rocky Relationship