Unsplash
I am amazed at the changes the last month has brought.
A month ago, I had just returned from trekking in the Grand Canyon. Things were better than OK, the family was great, and I had just booked a flight up north for Thanksgiving. Work was good, and I was getting to use the wood stove some mornings to take the chill out of the living room.
And then stuff hit the proverbial fan.
All of a sudden, my 91-year-old father-in-law is in failing health. Without going into the details, he is fast approaching the conclusion. My wife and her two sisters are going through, on a condensed timetable, what my siblings and I went through over several years. In March of this year, our conclusion was the loss of my mother.
Knowing all the work my wife has done to support her father, I am saddened for her.
Additionally, the holidays are coming. There are only 35 more shopping days until Christmas. Thanksgiving is next week. If flying north for Thanksgiving isn’t in the cards, I have already alerted my son. While I would be sad not to be with them at Thanksgiving (this will be at least our third Thanksgiving with them), pressing issues may keep us home. And I will still be ok.
At this point, all I can do is keep going.
I am thinking of the quote that is often used: “When you are going through hell, always keep going.” While it may be a cliché, it pretty much sums up where I am. Finally, I have told my therapist, my peer advocate, and now my psychiatrist that for months now, I have only felt OK.
I feel not great, happy, or sad, but just OK.
It may be that I am taking the death of my mother differently than the loss of my father some 39 years ago. Not living in the area and having a very young family, I was too busy to feel sad about Dad for long. There were arrangements to complete and my own young family to look after. I’m sure that I avoided my emotions by staying busy doing things. This would keep me at least OK.
Even now, I feel I suppress my emotions by jumping into the tasks at hand.
My therapist has returned me to this idea many times. I get the facts right but very seldom let slip how those facts make me feel. Over the years, I have sometimes taken pride in knowing exactly what happened. I can recount the events and never let you know how I feel towards or about them.
By coming home, my 11:00 AM meeting has gone from in-person to video chat.
Things change, but life still goes on. There will be other chances to meet in person. Changing my plans is no big deal. The important thing right now is to be supportive and available. What is needed is changing from hour to hour. And I am open to whatever comes next. Does this mean that my being ok, is ok?
Leave a Reply