I just left my weekly therapy appointment.
As I went in, I wondered how long I have just felt OK. And how long have I been thinking about this? This must have been going on for years. And I may have made up a reason for this happening. If I did not have one, my depression would have stepped in and added its own color commentary.
I first heard someone say, ” It must be the medicine,” at a group meeting at On Our Own.
At that moment, I was sharing my feeling of “not feeling.” That was six years ago. Oh, my goodness, that is a long time. COVID happened during that six-year period. I went from having zero grandchildren to now having three. My travels since then have included trekking to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa and the Inca trail in Peru, with the end being Machu Pichu.
And yes, in 203 days, I am off to Nepal for a 12-day trek to Mount Everest Base Camp.
But I am getting off topic. My thoughts today are centered around me just feeling OK. For a long time, I have been OK with just OK. But now, just being OK isn’t enough. Plus, my therapist pointed out that having the highs muted also mutes the lows. While this generally keeps me from worrying about being “up against the wall, with no way forward,” it’s just OK.
Even being 19,431 feet above sea level, on the summit of the tallest mountain in Africa, all I could feel was OK.
I have been thinking about this issue for a long time. At first, I thought I could reason my way out of the just OK feeling. After all, I am a smart guy. I know the value of positive self-talk. So, I reasoned that all I needed to do was put on a positive attitude, and things would correct themselves.
I have been waiting six years for this to work.
And yet, all I can feel is just OK. So, I will return to thinking about the medicine I am taking for depression. I take a 300 mg tablet and 150 mg of Wellbutrin every morning. My previous psychiatrist had left the decision up to me about the 150 mg tablet. Last summer, I found that I only needed a 300 mg dose.
As the days got shorter last fall, I added back the 150 mg of Wellbutrin to the 300 mg I was already taking.
I also got out my SAD lamp, with the sincerest intention of using it daily. Yet I have used it so infrequently that it is currently on the floor, with the power cord wrapped around it. Not a very convincing way to combat SAD. I kept telling myself I was getting outside enough to offset my not regularly using the SAD lamp.
Having had the lamp for three years, I only made a noticeable commitment during the first winter.
I thought I would be the poster boy for the SAD lamp, but sadly, I have not used it like I envisioned it. But even as I rehash the past, my current and future days, right now, seem to be just OK. My Peer Advocate and my therapist both think that I should speak to my psychiatrist about the amount of Wellbutrin I am receiving. My therapist also suggested that I may not be pursuing the medication right now because I am not ready.
She pointed out that I must have a reason for dragging my feet about changing the dosage of my depression medication.
I think this line of thinking is generous. It leaves me a way out. I can blame my feeling just ok on my medication. This way, I do not let myself take ownership of the problem. I get to play the blame game and let my depression take the credit for my just feeling OK.
But I am not into blaming others, so I take the credit for being just OK.
Implying that I am not strong enough to make the problem disappear is uncomfortable. Knowing I should be able to reason my way out of this issue, I stay stuck in “just OK.” And what I am saying is that “just OK” is no longer just OK.
Leave a Reply