I think of my attempts at talk therapy as if I was dating someone for the first time. There is that honeymoon period where you are getting to know each other. And this part is different from therapy, for with dating, I am allowed to choose from anyone, not just people on a list.
However, I suppose a list of therapists that have openings is similar to a dating app.
I choose from a list. And then I begin to learn more about the person I have selected. As the weeks go by, I either become more enamored with my choice, or I begin to find reasons to question my choice. And this is before my depression adds its two cents worth.
In the end, I defer to my depression.
This creates scenarios where I see issues that may or may not be real. I would like to think that I am at least an OK judge of character. This seems to be true for hiring and promotional issues. I wander into the applicants’ past and often discover traits that help me to decide what the next step is.
So, my depression is sitting on my shoulder when it comes to meeting therapists.
And as my depression sits there, it suggests ideas I may need to follow up on. For example, as COVID-19 became a real thing, I was starting with a new therapist. She was a psychiatrist and ultimately could have taken over my medication management that UVA now handles.
We both agreed that with COVID-19 in full force, we should begin meeting by phone.
The first telephone session went ok I thought,, but my depression had other ideas. It reminded me that we were no longer able to see each other. But more important to my depression was the fact that if I talked to this therapist, where did that leave my depression? So my depression created a concern I envisioned during our next telephone session.
As I sat there on the phone, I was picturing my therapist on the other end of the phone, working a crossword puzzle.
Now I had no proof that this was the case. Worse, my depression told me asking would be impolite. So I said nothing. But soon I began to make excuses about why we couldn’t meet. And within a month, I had stopped my sessions with her.
Thinking about this now, I realized how unfair this was both to her and to me.
Worse, my depression had once again created a way to separate me from anyone who had a different idea. My depression found a way to invoke the secrecy clause in our relationship. The more people get involved, the more my depression pushes back.
Ultimately, my depression shows me that everyone else has bad ideas, and my depression is my one true savior.
I still have a weekly meeting with my peer advocate at On Our Own. She has called me every single week since my time at 5 North. This is over 5 and ½ years of checking in to see how I am doing. And not every week do I come away with nuggets of information about my depression. But, talking with someone every week for over 5 years says a lot about her commitment to me.
I always say to her at some point in our conversation that I “appreciate her checking in.”
Ghosting one therapist is bad, but doing it twice is a pattern. I had worked hard to get my insurance to cover the visits. He had a daily practice at region 10, but he also worked two nights a week for an online therapy company.
For some reason, the state-sponsored Region 10 was not an entity that would accept Aetna.
But I was able to persuade Aetna that the company this therapist worked for at night, should be eligible for coverage. And after a few months, Aetna said OK. And I was reunited with my former therapist. It was in his office that I learned about the change triangle.
So, we started once again.
Quickly, I felt comfortable with him and his style. But within a few sessions, I began to notice an issue. Well, I believe it was me. Or was it my depression? At times, we are so much the same person that it is hard to tell us apart. I am the one initiating the service, so I should be held responsible for the consequences.
Also, I know my therapist has depression because he told me he was seeing someone outside of Region 10.
My thoughts on that were “it takes one to know one.” So, I did not mind his back story. All I was interested in was getting a better idea of what my depression was doing and ways to reduce its influence. And for a while, we were doing that type of work. Then, my depression pointed out an issue.
It was clear to my depression that I was no longer getting examples of helpful behavior from my therapist.
What I realized was happening was that I was becoming the therapist, and my therapist was becoming the patient. Once again, my depression found a way to separate me from potential help. Perhaps I would have discovered additional tools that would help me take control of my circumstances.
So, I am thinking that my depression will begin to point out ways that my newest therapist is not trustworthy.
Knowing this is helpful. I can say that this had not been on my radar until after I had stopped seeing the second therapist. So now I am forewarned. If my depression starts to point out questionable actions, I will tell her.
