Deer in Headlights

I’m freezing, standing still, no decisive plan to move.

And this lack of movement is making me feel angry, frustrated (is that a feeling?) and a touch sad. I know I should be completing projects.

The evidence of that is strewn across my desk, is tossed carelessly on the floorboards of my truck, and piled in a heap in my closet, instead of being in the hamper.

My attitude towards events right now is turning to “blah.”

I am losing my edge, my mojo. At least when it comes to the things that really matter. I feel like I am running to the safety of my day job, because there I know what to do. With a series of rules and a mission statement, I can make decisions within company policy.

And there, I am very good at making these decisions.

But, on the home front, I am not doing so well right now. My priorities are backwards, it seems to me. I should be focusing on my life as a whole, and my support group and home life much more consistently. At least that is what I am feeling this morning. I have stalled, once again, both in my recovery, and in my ability to prioritize and attack things that must get done.

So, is it OK to be good at work and not so good in other areas?

Or am I really so bad at other areas? There are a lot of things I am getting done, things I would compliment other people for accomplishing. But I carry around the list of things I have NOT done and focus on that to the exclusion of things I have done. I maximize the negative and minimize the positive. Unhelpful thinking styles are working overtime in my brain.

READ MORE: Where is the proof that I am not enough?

Maybe it is all the thinking that is causing me to freeze?

Fight or flight has been very useful to me over the years. Living with depression, I have used flight a lot. And I have used fight as well. Often fight was in reaction to being called out on something. But then again, flight was always an option. Why face what you can walk away from or sweep under the rug?

This strategy prolonged my decision to face my depression.

It added some 40 years to my sentence and kept me from beginning to understand how to live with my disease and live a more balanced life. All of this is important to write about, but it also could be me running away from the things I see I need to do. Knowing that I will eventually do them is not comforting.

I have set myself up for failure unless I complete everything on my to-do list.

And I must complete all of it RIGHT NOW.

No wonder I am caught with that deer in headlights look.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

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