No, I did not miss my wedding anniversary.
I know that date and will be forever grateful for it. As we approach 40 years of marriage, there is so much to be thankful for. But that is not for a few more months. We have marked this occasion together every year since our first. But that is not what just passed.
I’m pretty sure a year ago, I was still in or had just been released from 5 North.
This anniversary has not been met with fanfare or celebration. In fact, as the date crept up on me, I became fearful that it would trigger a relapse. I stressed about it, wrote about it and generally mulled over the past year. Re-reading my blog posts from day one reinforce how far I have come.
Now, however, I am finding myself thinking, “what’s next?”
What does year 2 look like with MDD? What will years 3, 4, 5, etc. look like? Do I need to think of my future the same way now, as I did 365 days ago? Will writing out my thoughts on my recovery continue to be effective for me? Or does the fact that I have been able to think of other things mean I am more on top of my depression and I need less day to day focus on it?
I know that I do not want to circle the drain again.
Being up against the wall had me feeling completely helpless. I did not see any way forward. All I saw was the depths of the abyss and nothingness. It was weeks after my hospitalization that I first noticed a glimmer of hope. I had a few hours one morning, where I felt like my old self. This was a complete shock and it took me a little while to realize I was feeling different.
I realized that I was having feelings again.
This was a surprise after having had many months of no feelings, just a routine that was necessary. There was no color in my life and no sense that anything would ever change. It was just plodding through the day. Finding an excuse to go to bed early was the only variable in the day. What could I think of that would justify me getting away from everyone and everything?
I can see now that this was a less than productive strategy.
So, thinking about my anniversary was one thing, but doing something is another. I have let it pass without a party, without a cake or presents. In fact, I am finding that letting it go is more satisfying than making a big deal over my hospitalization a year ago.
This means, I am on to the next thing.
I get to decide what the coming year will look like. What I will focus on. Now I see that I have moved away from my self-care and need to get back to that. With COVID-19 in the mix, my in-person Peer Support Meetings have been canceled. I am sad about that, as I always felt so “at home” as I walked through the door. They are doing virtual meetings, but I haven’t signed up for those yet.
I have 365 NEW days to work on living a balanced life with depression, so let’s get started.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. And your comments are always appreciated.