Maybe I’m Just Focused and My Depression Doesn’t Know?

In the grand scheme of things, it will make little difference if I am focused.

But to me, being focused is a step closer to happy. I am in the green zone today. I am not happy, but I am close. If I am Focused, I could be Ready, too.

 The green zone consists of:

• Happy
• Calm
• Focused
• Ready

All these feelings are not something I can share with my depression.

I know my depression is smart enough to understand what each of these feelings are. But knowing and then doing are two different things. There is a big difference. And my depression doesn’t want to hear “I’m anything in the green zone.”

I’ve been some part of blue for years; I just didn’t know how to label it.

The blue zone consists of:

• Tired
• Sick
• Sad
• Moving slowly

I know a lot about sad, tired, and moving slowly. Sad is the area where I spend most of my time when I am in the Blue Zone. Changes in my medication helped relieve my morning, “moving slowly.” I am not so sure that I am often tired but being tired gives me an excuse to head to the safety of my bedroom.

And then there’s the Yellow and the Red zones.

The Yellow Zone consists of:

• Worried
• Excited
• Frustrated
• Silly

Yellow is a place I have been before. Defiantly the Worried part, and occasionally the Frustrated area. I do my best to avoid silly and I haven’t been excited in a while.

Heck, I wasn’t excited climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa.

At the summit, we were 19,432 feet above sea level. Some jets cruise just above that at 20,000 feet. It was high, stark, and full of glaciers. And arriving at the summit on the 7^th day of our climb should have created some excitement. Excitement was clearly at work in the eyes of my climbing companions. Maybe it was the altitude, but I was not excited.

I can say I was focused, particularly on the last night when we were up at 10PM to begin our summit ascent.

And that focus was what got me to the summit. I must have been ready, too. I did everything that I needed to do to make it to the summit. Yet I am not certain that I was excited, and I am still not feeling the happiness I thought I would feel after summiting.

So, what’s up with the red zone?

The Red Zone consists of:

• Out of Control
• Terrified
• Yelling
• Anger

I feel like I spend very little time in this zone.

Maybe anger occasionally, but I avoid feeling out of control. I feel that being out of control is very bad and should be avoided at all costs. This may say something about me, but I do not know what it is. Being in control is the way I prefer it. That’s how I make a living. I plan and direct.

But I also guide and mentor, which is not out of control either.

My life is built around the feeling of being in control. Knowing that I directly impact my future is a good feeling. Is good a real feeling if it doesn’t show up on a list? And what zone would it be assigned? I’m not so sure that I know.

Some of these zones would make my depression feel right at home.

In fact, parts of the blue, yellow and red zones are places my depression feels most comfortable. But seeing how my depression operates, I can see it being right at home in these zones.

Seeing these lists, these posters has been an eye-opening experience for me.

My wife and I have been having conversations about emotions and feelings. I am very good at giving you the facts, if you don’t ask me how a fact makes me feel. I know it would be helpful to contact my feelings. Or at least that is what they say. And they are never wrong, right?

So, I am going to spend some more time with this list of zones.

Feeling some way is not as all or nothing as I have presented it to myself. There it is my unhelpful thinking. I have learned a bit about tricks that my depression has played on me. Unhelpful thinking styles are the most effective ideas my depression uses on me.

I have learned a few new states and areas within zones that I had not thought about before.

These have helped me immensely. Situations are not as all or nothing as my depression makes them out to be. And being able to name other feelings gives me a way to understand an idea, without feeling that this isn’t the one and only idea.

Having choices about the names I give to my feelings gives me control.

And all 4 of these zones run together if I cannot control what I am feeling. Who knows, one day I will let them loose in the same room. Could I be Out of control, while also being worried and sad? The combinations are endless.

So, for now, I am signing off from the green zone where I feel ready!