Why Am I Choosing Numb Instead of Real Feelings?

Is it my medication or am I not brave enough to explore my feelings?

With 44+ years of practice, I am exceptionally good at feeling numb and blocking out my feelings. Listening to an EBT audiobook on the way to work the other day, the author said some people are overly emotional and in touch with their feelings.

Others suppress their feelings and emotions like a bottle of champagne.

That is me. When there are so many feelings packed in behind the cork, the bubbles create so much pressure, the cork pops with a bang, and pent up champagne shoots out of the bottle, drenching everything in its path. Having done that occasionally, I know what that looks like. The result is uncontrollable. All jumbled up, feelings and emotions come crashing and lashing out.

While getting it out helps, unleashing heck at others because I don’t know how to manage my feelings is not good for anyone.

It may be that I am back to suppressing my feelings. Numb is normal for me. I do, on occasion, miss happy. I miss looking forward to something. Scheduling a round of golf, time at the lake, a vacation, an evening playing board games on the deck. All of these things make me happy. Just the act of planning them, of saying “on this day, at this time, I will…” makes me happy.

It has been five years since I have played a round of golf.

I don’t have any feelings about that. It is easy to head over to the coulda, woulda, shoulda type of thinking. Now I could wallow in self-pity, broken-hearted that I am not getting to play golf. In this state, I could easily blame my not playing golf on “them.” “They” won’t let me play golf. They have other things for me to think about instead of having a few hours of relaxation and enjoyable self-care.

Are my feelings of numbness a defense against feelings?

Or is my medication not doing its job? Having weaned me off Prozac, my current regimen is 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL. My Psychiatrist suggested that there is some room in my dosage, and it can be raised or lowered over time. With my next appointment not scheduled until September, I will need to monitor this and decide if I need to call my Doctor.

Of course, I wont call.

READ: What am I waiting for, an engraved invitation?

I can tell already that I will complain about feeling numb, but I won’t do anything about it. This lack of action I will lay at the feet of depression. Depression will just laugh and tell me I am not strong enough to make the call. It will remind me that it knows best and making the call will just gum up the works. Depression always looks out for itself and does whatever it needs to do to survive within me.

Depression would rather have me dead than in touch with my feelings.

Why can’t I answer if I am choosing numbness or is numbness being chosen for me? Is it my mental health or my medication? Am I reading too much into these recent feelings of numbness or is it a warning sign about my ongoing mental health? Living in the shadow of “the city”, New York, during 9-11, it was easy to say “If you see something, say something.” Applying this to my numbness versus my feelings, I should be shouting right now.

Writing out this dilemma, I should be using a CBA worksheet.

It would walk me through four quadrants. Download your PDF here.

1. If I called my Psychiatrist, what are the positive outcomes? Or what would be positive about doing that? [ If there was a reason to change my medication, my doctor would know what was best.}
2. If I called my Psychiatrist, what are the negative outcomes? Or what would be the downside to calling? { I might look like a worry wart if there is no reason to change medication and this numbness is just one of those things}
3. If I did not call my Psychiatrist, what are the positive outcomes? { I won’t be embarrassed if this is just “one of those things”. I won’t feel ashamed because I won’t have reached out to my doctor}
4. If I did not call my Psychiatrist, what are the negative outcomes? { I will not know for another four weeks if there is something that can be done about my numbness versus having feelings. Plus, I may underplay this numbness when I do have my next face to face (with a mask, temperature check and social distancing). This could extend out my day to day numbness instead of helping me lead a more balanced life with depression.}

It looks like I just created my Cost-Benefit-Analysis Worksheet for my concern.

Once the structure is in place, the four questions are the most important part. Having them set up visually can help me think about different parts pf the question, but answering these four questions about the decision is what helps me make better, more objective decisions. Creating this CBA worksheet without the actual worksheet, it never dawned on me that the exercise was really all about the questions. I wasn’t reinventing the wheel by answering the questions without mapping out the grids.

READ: There are still doors my keys do not open

I was just being lazy and did not want to get up from the porch and go into my office to look for a blank worksheet.

Calling my Psychiatrist seems to me to be a positive choice. A choice a rational person would do. Now I just need to summon up the courage to make the call.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn.

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I very much appreciate your comments. I learn from them and respond to everyone.