Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash
Depression has been with me my entire life.
I am drafting the story of my life facing depression head on; after only 62 years of ignoring it, of never calling it by name, hiding it from everyone including myself, and sweeping the crumbs of every episode under the rug each time it was over, as I walked away never looking back.
If I had contrived a way to avoid facing my most recent episode of depression, you can bet I would have done so.
But until my time in 5 East, I avoided knowing depression’s name, or anything about it. I was so happy when the previous episodes were over that I could only think about what was next. Taking the time to think about what turned out to be Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation, was always, in my mind, a waste of time.
I never connected the dots and saw the pattern which I’m sure others saw.
There were good times and then tough times. But bumping along with depression seemed ok. After all, with concealed, or high-functioning depression, I was showing up. I was participating and was holding up my end of the bargain. At work, I would “turn that frown upside down.” I would put in my time and then head for home. I never called out but was sent home sick once by my boss as she told me “I looked like crap.”
Home was better for my depression, but it didn’t feel as safe as being in my bed.
So, with amazing regularity, I would find some reason that I needed to go to bed early. It was, “I need to get up early for work,” or “I worked late last night and was up early this morning, so I’m going to bed early.” Over time, the excuses became so predictable, that I would often just get up and say I was going to bed.
Other times, I would find ways to stay out of my bed until it felt more like the time I should go to bed. I would start with work in my home office. Shortly, I would be scrolling through some social media, reading “Just One More” before getting back to work. Getting back to work would often not happen. But I would kill enough time, that it was ok to go to bed.
I have written some parts of the book about my life with depression.
My issue is what to include and how things should be presented. I picture a sort of biography, with my life condensed into periods. With 604+ blog posts, I also have a strong store of posts on specific areas of my life with depression. So, my dilemma is to decide whether to incorporate portions of posts into my book. Some posts are very direct and could be insightful to someone looking for that kind of thing.
While I have broken them down into categories, I do not have a hard copy of all of them.
Some exist only in my blog. I’m sure I have a copy in a Word Doc somewhere, but I haven’t been very purposeful in how these were saved. Finding these, especially some of the early posts, could be an issue. And while I might think that parts of my life are worth sharing, I am not sure anyone would want to read my book.
This will be my third published book.
My first two books are still available at Amazon and one in Barnes and Noble. I do have an editor who has been detail-focused. I am excited she has been there to keep my two works spelled correctly and grammatically sound. If she has finally retired, I would trust her to recommend someone. I am on the east coast of the USA, and she is on the west coast of Canada. Thank you internet!
My tentative title is Evergreen.
Evergreen is how I have felt I needed to be perceived. At work, my job is to solve problems within company policy. Sometimes these become defining leadership issues. And I have always strived to be in control, calm, and levelheaded. This has built confidence over the years and has been, as I see it, a major part of my continued success at work.
At home, I am the one the family turns to, so I had to always be ready, to always be evergreen.
It never even crossed my mind that I could be anything other than “always on.” I had to be ready for the next problem, the next challenge. Even while I was dealing with bouts of depression, I put on my concealed depression thoughtful face and solved problems.
The emotional and physical costs of these adventures are still being paid.
Yet here I am. I have spent the past five years learning as much as I can about my depression. WRAP, Smart Recovery, the change triangle, and CBT are major ideas I have spent time with. And I discovered On Our Own in Charlottesville, where I still speak weekly with a Peer Advocate. My workplace giving has gone to them for the past two years.
But wait a minute, did I say five years?
That’s a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then. And I am not even thinking about the 2 ½ years of dealing with Covid. Writing about that would fill volumes. I keep saying at work, “You can’t make this up.” People are fascinating and will surprise you. And the way they exhibit themselves can be entertaining if you have the right attitude.
Once you start taking this stuff seriously, then you become one of the mob.
Loosening up, letting things “roll off your back”, as they say, will increase your life span. I spent so many years being so correct, that it is hard to change. But I have let go of some things that used to frustrate and then anger me. Erratic, aggressive drivers used to set me off. I’d let another driver get to me, and then I would own the anger.
Then, I would take my anger and frustration to work, or bring it home with me.
I finally took to heart something attributed to the Buddha. For years, every time Buddha would be in public, a man would yell at the Buddha, questioning all that he stood for. One of Budda’s aids asked him, “Doesn’t his constant berating bother you?” Buddha said, “Just because someone offers you a gift, you do not have to accept it.”
By not accepting the other driver’s anger and frustration, I found myself saying “Now that was silly.”
And I would chuckle and just let it go. In 8 years, I have only had to relearn this trick from the Budda a dozen times or so. I don’t let any driver make me angry anymore. Now, when I start to feel anger welling up inside me, I find myself thinking about the Buddha and his story.
This thinking always settles me and reminds me that I don’t have to accept what others are putting out.
I am so scattered tonight. Between laundry for our trip tomorrow, packing, and writing, I am spread across the landscape. I have a list of calls to make before we head out to New Jersey. I even found a new rubber band to hold my EZ Pass onto the rear-view mirror of my car.
