My depression has exclusivity in my life.
Try as I might to invite others in to share my life, in the end, I find ways to stay distant. Even when I initiate the friendship or professional relationship, in the end, I find ways to stay distant from them.
And even when I stay involved, my depression is still working to keep me separate from building any long-term relationships.
I have thousands of friends. And I know a bit about all of them. Some have children, some horses. Others play golf, travel, make clothes, and collect electronic devices. I consider them friends, but I am not sure what they would consider me.
I do try to share my life with others. Especially when I learn about something they are interested in.
Sending a link to an article via text message is easy to do. It is also safe. I can do this without having to speak with the person. Better, I do not have to think about how I feel about whatever it is I have sent. I can let it be theirs and enjoy it as they see fit.
My enjoyment is in the sharing.
With so many friends, why am I so indifferent about accepting help? And even when I am getting exactly the help I need, why am I still pushing this help to the curb? The whole idea of having friends is to be able to share experiences. I recognize that in any relationship, some people will be closer than others.
I’m not expecting a relationship like the cast of Friends.
Their worlds revolve around each other. One person’s win is a win for them all. And a downturn for one, creates tension in the group until it is resolved. I am not able to be part of a group such as that. I feel that I am too independent. Besides, what’s this got to do with accepting help with my depression?
I have pushed away a psychiatrist and three talk therapists.
Currently, my very encouraging medicine management psychiatrist is leaving the East Coast and has acceptive a job in North Dakota. For over two years, she had been one constant in my life that I had not pushed away. I will miss her. This means I will have a new medicine management psychiatrist when I go next month.
As far as therapists, I am not sure why I am pushing them away.
I do speak once a week with Peer Support at On Our Own. This interaction is done by phone. The length of calls varies from 2 to about 5 minutes. I am asked how things are going and given encouragement for any positives which I can report. Then the call ends as quickly as it began.
It is easy to practice concealed depression during these calls.
Sadly, I am incredibly good at reading the room and giving the person I am meeting with the responses they hope to hear. Once, I was totally honest about what I was feeling. Hearing the disappointment in the voice at the other end of the line, I quickly began to walk back (as they say in the media) my feelings. By the end of the conversation, there was once again order in the universe.
I do not have anyone I trust enough to be totally honest with.
Should I have a person such as that? Is it the end of the world if I do not? What would I say to that person that I have not written in these pages?
Holy cow, you the reader are that person.
There is just enough familiarity that I do not feel I am talking to a stranger. And I have no preconceived notion of what you are expecting. Heck, I often do not know what I am going to end up writing about until I sit at my laptop, on the front porch, with a cup of coffee.
As I write blog post number 505 (that is five-hundred and five), I realize that I do have someone I can be honest with.
I have not met any of you in person. I have interacted with a few of you as you leave comments. From these, I get a sense that I am not alone, that others have had or are having similar experiences. Whether it’s depression, or some other mental health condition, (or drug or alcohol challenges) there is a desire in much of our group to lead a balanced life with depression.
Boy I feel so good knowing I have you to talk with, thank you.
I will continue to honestly share my thoughts. Once again, I write to understand my relationship with depression and to have a better relationship with myself. Being able to put on paper whatever challenge I am working on has been a huge, huge help in my aim to lead a balanced life with depression.
Thank you for reading and being someone, I can be honest with; you have no idea what that means to me.
Your thoughts and comments are welcomed.