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“I Suffer From Depression.” Here’s What I Am Learning.

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You are here: Home / Depression / Why Won’t Depression Let Professional Help In?

Why Won’t Depression Let Professional Help In?

July 20, 2022 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

Depression is not letting professional help stay in my life, or is my depression making me push away professional help?

Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash

My depression has exclusivity in my life.

Try as I might to invite others in to share my life, in the end, I find ways to stay distant. Even when I initiate the friendship or professional relationship, in the end, I find ways to stay distant from them.

And even when I stay involved, my depression is still working to keep me separate from building any long-term relationships.

I have thousands of friends. And I know a bit about all of them. Some have children, some horses. Others play golf, travel, make clothes, and collect electronic devices. I consider them friends, but I am not sure what they would consider me.

I do try to share my life with others. Especially when I learn about something they are interested in.

Sending a link to an article via text message is easy to do. It is also safe. I can do this without having to speak with the person. Better, I do not have to think about how I feel about whatever it is I have sent. I can let it be theirs and enjoy it as they see fit.

My enjoyment is in the sharing.

With so many friends, why am I so indifferent about accepting help? And even when I am getting exactly the help I need, why am I still pushing this help to the curb? The whole idea of having friends is to be able to share experiences. I recognize that in any relationship, some people will be closer than others.

I’m not expecting a relationship like the cast of Friends.

Their worlds revolve around each other. One person’s win is a win for them all. And a downturn for one, creates tension in the group until it is resolved. I am not able to be part of a group such as that. I feel that I am too independent. Besides, what’s this got to do with accepting help with my depression?

I have pushed away a psychiatrist and three talk therapists.

Currently, my very encouraging medicine management psychiatrist is leaving the East Coast and has acceptive a job in North Dakota. For over two years, she had been one constant in my life that I had not pushed away. I will miss her. This means I will have a new medicine management psychiatrist when I go next month.

As far as therapists, I am not sure why I am pushing them away.

I do speak once a week with Peer Support at On Our Own. This interaction is done by phone. The length of calls varies from 2 to about 5 minutes. I am asked how things are going and given encouragement for any positives which I can report. Then the call ends as quickly as it began.

It is easy to practice concealed depression during these calls.

Sadly, I am incredibly good at reading the room and giving the person I am meeting with the responses they hope to hear. Once, I was totally honest about what I was feeling. Hearing the disappointment in the voice at the other end of the line, I quickly began to walk back (as they say in the media) my feelings. By the end of the conversation, there was once again order in the universe.

I do not have anyone I trust enough to be totally honest with.

Should I have a person such as that? Is it the end of the world if I do not? What would I say to that person that I have not written in these pages?

Holy cow, you the reader are that person.

There is just enough familiarity that I do not feel I am talking to a stranger. And I have no preconceived notion of what you are expecting. Heck, I often do not know what I am going to end up writing about until I sit at my laptop, on the front porch, with a cup of coffee.

As I write blog post number 505 (that is five-hundred and five), I realize that I do have someone I can be honest with.

I have not met any of you in person. I have interacted with a few of you as you leave comments. From these, I get a sense that I am not alone, that others have had or are having similar experiences. Whether it’s depression, or some other mental health condition, (or drug or alcohol challenges) there is a desire in much of our group to lead a balanced life with depression.

Boy I feel so good knowing I have you to talk with, thank you.

I will continue to honestly share my thoughts. Once again, I write to understand my relationship with depression and to have a better relationship with myself. Being able to put on paper whatever challenge I am working on has been a huge, huge help in my aim to lead a balanced life with depression.

Thank you for reading and being someone, I can be honest with; you have no idea what that means to me.

Your thoughts and comments are welcomed.

Filed Under: Coping Statements for Depression, Depression, Facts and myths about mental illness, Featured Home, Medication, Mental Health, On Our Own, C'Ville, therapy Tagged With: concealed depression, depression, depression is not my boss, friends, help, unhelpful thinking styles

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I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I am genuinely determined to figure out my personal relationship with depression. With 40+ years of living with concealed depression, I write my blog to find answers. 

I once got so carried away searching for answers that I even earned a  certification in  SMART Recovery. 

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