I prepare for my therapy appointments ahead of time by making a written list.
Maybe I am a little too prepared this week.
There is a lot happening and I want to address how this will affect my recovery. My recovery is still JOB #1.
If I am not successful in that, then I am not successful in life. And since I have plans to celebrate my 100th birthday, I need to stay focused on self-care and what is the next best step for me.
I have printed out this list to take to my therapy appointment.
Below I have shared it with you. I can’t image it will make much sense as you scan it. Random thoughts are flashing through my brain, combined with automatic thoughts that can be the work of depression.
I know depression is lurking around at the edges of this activity.
I can feel the underlying tension of its presence. It is distracting me from getting any real work done this morning. I feel I must write these thoughts down, so I can address them with my therapist.
No more sweeping under the rug.
Yet, despite that feeling., I have responded to two clients and made some updates to a client’s resume. I am proud of that, even as I wish I were doing more. I wish I had gotten dressed, instead of working in my gym shorts and a T-shirt. It feels more like a home-office when I dress for the office.
I wish I had all the answers.
But that’s not how life works and it is surely not how life with depression works. The reality is I will need to choose. I will need to commit, to make a stand, to take that first step.
The good news is, I can decide to not listen to depression tell me that the decision is all or nothing. I can choose to not use unhelpful thinking to minimize the downsides of each choice while maximizing the positives.
I can ask better questions.
I can phone a friend. I can see that there are choices, that depression doesn’t have me up against the wall. It doesn’t have me only seeing one choice, one option while it has me taking a vow of secrecy.
There is still time to choose, even though I have already said yes. I have not started, and the company is waiting for the results of the background check. I also have an out in the 1 ½ hour commute. But I feel that if I do not take this position, the door is closing, and I will not get another chance.
Is that the depression talking?
Perhaps, but I see the odds getting smaller if I say no now that I have committed. What gives me hope that I will make the right choice, in the end, is I have an appointment today with my therapist, and I will have three sessions with different groups this week.
By Friday, I will have talked about the choice for almost three weeks.
The fact that I am still struggling with the right option after three weeks should be a clue that something about it has not been resolved. So, I am off to my appointment, to see if I can figure out what that might be.
My therapy list (thoughts, questions, ideas to discuss) and related thoughts
- Therapist 2 PM Appointment – lots to talk about
- – new resume contact
- Existing client resumes status and completion dates
- New job questions?
- Blog – value?
- SMART conference September
- Insurance and mental health follow up
- 4 ½ year plan –
- It’s not all or nothing
- Structure for a while after 14 months of more loosey-goosey lifestyle
- Do I need the structure?
- If I haven’t started yet, I can still say no?
- If I say NO, then I must write resumes and how do I feel about that?
- I am very good at not only the resume but at explaining what and why people need to do certain things to be successful. The feedback from clients supports that.
- I can create a course around “Career Confidence”
- Will I lose that edge if I go back to work full-time outside the home?
- Can I think about how to use that differently so I can be excited about that type of work?
- I am finally doing what I said I was going to do 15 months ago –
- And it is working, because I am finally committed to it and have a new sense of empathy and concern for those I am working with. I am not standing off – afraid to get to know the person. This is a huge improvement for me personally and my clients get the benefit of it and recognize this.
- It tells me I am different, that I have changed.
- Take the online SMART training – Someday offer services with them
- Write my next BOOK
- With the new job, there is a 1 hour and 20-minute drive each way. I have done that for many, many years. I can do it again. I have used this time to think, to dictate notes into a recorder, and to listen to recordings, books on tape and music. The time is not wasted.
- INSURANCE – New JOB IS INVESTMENT IN FUTURE
- Going back to full-time work outside the home is NOT all or Nothing
- Why is this decision nagging at me?
- I have decided to go back to a job I have had, I am telling myself the reasons why this would be good for me. Why am I still reviewing the decision?
- I would need to reduce my business for six months and focus on self-care, and my work out of the home.
- I would have two days off each week and can structure those to attend OOO meetings and schedule doctor appointments.
- There will be time to write each day and I must write each day as part of my personal self-care. This has been the most helpful thing I have done for myself. It might be the #2 BEST thing behind meeting with my therapist and going to the OOO Meetings.
- So, what is scaring me about going back to my old company?
- Is it that or am I just afraid of change?
- I have gotten into a routine and I am nervous about change? Maybe.
- But I know what my days currently look like.
- The prospect of expanding my health options is a driving concern. I can address my physical body as well as my mental health. Both will be much easier with the coverage available through my employer.
- Then when I turn 65, I can explore Medicare and see how that works.
- None of this is forever.
- Going back will give me a chance to slow down and digest everything I have learned. Just doing that and daily self-care would be living a vacation,
- The job will be a vacation with structure. And that’s comforting to me. To know what the next six months will look like and plan around that gives me hope and confidence. I can view the next 4 ½ years in six-month pieces and re-evaluate where I am at after each segment. This will keep me from being locked in emotionally to a 4 ½ year plan.
- It will give me a chance to relax and breath. To continue to learn about myself, and what I need to do to keep depression from being my boss.
The choice is to go back to a full-time, out of the house job, or continue to build my home business. Both choices include continued self-care.
Thanks for letting me talk. I will use all of this to help me make the best choice for me.
Please share, like or comment. I am a sponge.
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