Photo by Manuel González Asturias, SJ on Unsplash
We are at Boquete in Panama, and there is no hot water.
I just put a pot of coffee on, and I am not ready to face the hot water problem. My brother has emailed the Airbnb owner and is waiting for a response. My daughter stated that she had the same issue last night. She was able to stand the water for general washing, but reminded herself that she had washed her hair the previous night and could pass this time. (Update: the gas was off, and now there is hot water.)
My focus is on three days from now.
Do we need reservations for the boat to take us to the “Galapagos of the Pacific? And more importantly, do we need reservations to get us back on Friday evening? On Sunday, we could get to an island by boat from Panama City, but there were no seats left to get back to the mainland until Monday. This happened to my brother when he and my sister went to Puerto Rico.
So, he is much more sensitive to this than I am.
But so far, he has pushed aside calling for reservations for the boat ride from north of the city. It’s almost 8 AM, and my daughter is still asleep in the loft. My brother is back in his room with the door closed. Perhaps he is fuming, or possibly on his computer. I’m not certain that I will ask him when he comes out
The question this morning is what to do with the day.
There are many possibilities: the cloud forest, zip lining, white water rafting, or a hike into the National Park. Any idea sounds great, but we need to focus on one. Some need reservations and have specific start times. Other options are looser and just need for us to get there and get started. I am open to any and all, but I am quite ready to pick one and get started.
All of this “shop talk” has allowed me to talk about anything but what is going on with me.
That seems to be my MO. I decide to write about something, and then I go off in another direction. After a while, I get around to what I was really thinking about. For instance, tomorrow I should be having my therapy session in Charlottesville, VA. Over the holidays, I missed two sessions in a row. Right now, I am wondering about waiting until next week.
I know that I will make it without speaking to my therapist, but should I?
I’m sure she will appreciate me thinking about her. And just because I am a little bit uncomfortable waiting until next week to speak to her via Zoom doesn’t mean that I need to speak with her. Ok, it might. But I am not going to schedule anything this week. I am going to be busy learning more about Panama. And we had discussed my not getting together with her until next week.
So, yes, I can make it without speaking to my therapist.
And even though she has offered to get together if I need to, I know that I will be ok until next Wednesday. And by next week, there will be even more to share. I never did get around to writing about what is going on with me.
I am this close to skipping writing altogether.
At least I will skip writing about myself. I am certain that I will be more focused tomorrow. Just like my brother and the boat reservations. It seems odd not to really connect with what I am actually thinking about. Now I am thinking about my daughter trying to get coffee out of the pot when the handle seems to be loose.
Once again, I am thinking about others, and I am using that to avoid thinking about me.
Thinking about myself comes with danger. I could discover things about myself that I do not like. Right now, I know that I am tamping down any feelings of anger. Recently, I came to understand that stifling one emotion affects them all. For instance, you cannot suppress anger without suppressing happiness too.
To most, this is common sense; to me, it’s a revelation.
If I can begin to get in touch with my feelings, I should be able to learn more about how I relate to the world. In the big picture, I recognize that the world doesn’t care about me. Most people are way too busy thinking about what is best for them to even notice that I am around. So, what is keeping me from facing myself?
Why can’t I open up to myself about what I am feeling?
It should be easy for me to think about myself. After all, I am the only me that will be. And I am the only me that will notice things the way I do. Going forward, I will work more on getting in touch with myself about things that I am feeling.
But right now, I hear a bowl of cereal and blueberries calling.
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