I really had in mind slowing down and thinking more about my attitude.
The chance to look at my attitude towards recent events is a way to understand how I am reacting to them. Or at least, how I am framing my response to what is happening around me. While I am still learning my relationship with depression, I am now learning how to deal with a global pandemic.
Stress and anxiety are my daily companions.
Yet, I am still functioning, still making my way out into the world, to make a living. I am not afraid, but I am much more aware.
I have started writing twice this morning. For some reason, I cannot stay focused. I am wandering off on all kinds of tangents. Walking through the living room, I was distracted by a recording of last week’s John Oliver show. 15 minutes later, I realized that I was still standing near the sofa, laptop under my arm, with my eyes glued to the set as John Oliver updated us on the Coronavirus.
Lists and things to do are whirling around in my head.
- I need to clean out the cab of my truck.
- My truck needs a wheel alignment.
- I should get new tires for the truck now that it has 70,000 miles on it.
- My Troybilt Rototiller is still not ready to be picked up from the repair service. He has the carburetor apart and needs until tomorrow to get it back together.
- I cannot turn over the garden effectively without the rototiller.
- I emptied out my full composting tumbler yesterday. Much of the compost I spread around my fruit trees, added to some planters on the front porch and put some around the rose bush.
- When I turn over the vegetable garden, I will mix the rest of the compost into the garden.
- My desk is still cluttered with notes and stacks of paper.
- The small card table I used to sort all my tax information is still open and is now collecting stacks of mail, my scotch tape, and my three-hole punch.
- The status of my son and future daughters-in-law’s upcoming wedding is unclear due to shelter in place orders. The date is less than 6 weeks away. Do I buy the suit right now?
- I need to get more netting to cover the strawberry garden in the back yard. Yesterday, my wife and I covered 28 feet of strawberry beds, but I have another 28 feet to cover. Is Tractor Supply open?
- Last year the squirrels started carrying off my peaches, as soon as they got about the size of olives. I need to cover the peach trees with netting to stop the marauders from carrying away my entire peach crop.
- The lawnmower shed needs organizing.
- I want to spend more time with family. And Mom is still sheltering in place in her assisted living facility. We drive to the facility, call Mom on the phone and then she opens the blinds on her second floor apartment and we stand in the parking lot and chat.
- I miss having get togethers at our house.
- We haven’t had a game night in a long time.
- Firework dealers are not deemed an essential business. With Memorial Day coming up, I may end up with just a few sparklers left over from New Years Eve.
- By Saturday, we may have a frost warning, so putting in the garden may have to wait on more than just getting the rototiller back from the shop.
The list could go on and on, but I am going to stop here and go and DO SOMETHING.
I am not sure what on the list I will tackle, but it needs to be outside, and physical. Did I mention our five acres needs mowing?
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. And your comments are always appreciated.