“long after the thrill of living is gone.”
I never thought I would feel like the John Mellencamp song. Remember, with concealed depression, I was always the guy with the most positive attitude. I was jumping out of bed in the morning, anticipating what the day would bring.
My motto has been for years, “I love getting up in the morning because I learn something new every day.” I still deep down believe it, but I haven’t felt that way in a while.
Depression has robbed me of that energy and that zest for life. In recent months, I have gone from “I can’t wait to see what the day brings” to “what will the day bring?” This comes out as unspecified anxiety about some unidentified future event that may or may not be real.
Then I start obsessing about that and it feeds into my depression’s master plan, separating me from myself and my true feelings. Depression is sneaky in that way.
To give my students the best possible experience earlier in the week, I compartmentalized everything except the workshops. This gave me the strength and focus to teach at a high level and to inspire the students, to show them that they could be successful.
They reciprocated, giving me positive feedback about the classes. It was fun to see the light go on as I would talk with them. I know that they received a lot of value.
Now I am back to deciding how I will live each day. How will I frame my expectations? Am I going to learn something new? Am I excited about that? I honestly wish I could say yes. The truth is, at this moment, I am scared.
Not knowing what the future would bring has been fun at times in my life. Right now, it scares the heck out of me. I am looking for a path forward, a structure to build on that gives me a clear path. Even as I say that, I know life is seldom like that. The road to your final destination is not a straight line.
I’m going to face today with every bit of courage I can muster and take steps towards a healthier me. I have a 10:30 AM appointment with a therapist. This is the first of 10 to 12 sessions aimed at getting me back on track.
So, life goes on. Here’s to learning something new today!
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